tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7773976119168966342024-03-21T19:14:43.558-07:00Real Amy Speace: InnerSpeaceAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-42956553255151683982017-11-06T09:43:00.001-08:002017-11-06T09:43:53.246-08:00Cankles and Constipation: Pregnant at 49
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WVzILBECDqdfTvHcJ0mlh3atUo-Asg8DTFLKuVSqJFQTtuf1IFy-i7OjnaN-j9d49HrNc-XB0nBkKHZDEY52VylcTMyL2jLRvxc5bLmAbEfFBfk8jqJj4SxQAMl43v_TI-6sFQMHTxs/s1600/images.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="186" data-original-width="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WVzILBECDqdfTvHcJ0mlh3atUo-Asg8DTFLKuVSqJFQTtuf1IFy-i7OjnaN-j9d49HrNc-XB0nBkKHZDEY52VylcTMyL2jLRvxc5bLmAbEfFBfk8jqJj4SxQAMl43v_TI-6sFQMHTxs/s1600/images.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;">Seriously, are no cool
blogs from women my age who are pregnant? I'm sure there are but I'm not
finding any. What I'm finding is advice that I'll definitely need at some point, but
mostly from women 10, 20 years younger than me. Which is nice, but seriously, ladies, there's a whole different
journey happening here though, narrowly getting my first pregnancy in on time
before menopause. Quite possibly I’ll hit hot flashes as my kid takes his first
steps. So, I'm pretty sure that there's some conversation to be had about the body changes when you're growing a human inside a body nearing 50. Also, life changes: it's a different kind of journey to be on when you've been doing life the way you've been doing life all along as a solo traveller through the world and then, bam, you </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.13333334028720856px;">meet</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;"> your sole mate (or you go to a sperm bank, whatever) and the urge to procreate that was never there before shows up a bit late in life. It's amazing, don't get me wrong. I couldn't be more thrilled, but as I sit on my couch with swollen feet, heels experiencing sharp jabbing pains my chiropractor says is due to pregnancy induced sciatica, it would be nice to be in conversation with someone my own age. Let's get </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.13333334028720856px;">real: "Geriatric Pregnancy" is a shitty term. Facebook already targets me for AARP Ads way before I need them, and </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;">I can see the grey hair peek out
beneath my dyed-blonde roots I can’t touch up as often, the grooves on my lined
face. The celebrity photos of women like Kim Kardashian teetering in sky high heels with a huge baby bump make me wanna eat more donuts. Thank god I'm pregnant during the colder months as I can tell Uggs are gonna be my favorite shoes. The heels that I love are all boxed away. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.13333334028720856px;">So I'll write. It's a strange, new world and I'm a snarky poetic writer, so I'll just write my way through it and maybe through it I'll find some others on the journey. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"> It's not going to be all pretty and poetic like what I try to do with my other kind of writing (songs, stories, long run on sentence facebook posts in the middle of the night), but I swear it'll be real. Like, really real. Gas and all.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">So, welcome to my new blog. Now will someone go get me a cheeseburger?</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><br /></span></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-63665396617144409562017-02-12T14:38:00.004-08:002017-02-12T14:40:50.850-08:00Self-Care (a poem)<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">In this swirling windstorm it’s important to remember a few things--</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To stand barefoot or at least to press your toes into the cushion of a sole</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To run without headphones to stop up the calling of the birds at dusk</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To lay in a warm tub with the faint sounds of chanting riding the lavender air</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To sleep in flannel pajamas</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To drink water and to eat bananas</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To read the sky and to listen to the river</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To curl into his arms at night and thank god for the falling that happened after the crash</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To take the rage out in laughing</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To take the grief out in singing</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">To take the fear out in softness</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">And to lie on the wet damp earth with a hound dog lapping at your tear stained face</span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">In this unease it’s important to remember the ground is the bottom </span><br />
<span style="color: #232d32; font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 1rem; white-space: pre-line;">That’s where your feet belong, not pressed to the top of the circus tent pushing</span><br />
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<div style="font-size: 1rem; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">(2/8/17)</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-33819085915170582462017-01-14T14:51:00.002-08:002017-01-14T14:52:08.544-08:00Good Timing (January 14, 2017)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I have such a love-hate relationship with Facebook. It inspires such envy in me when I'm at my worst, or most tender. And it can remind me of the good in people. I do like the little reminders it sends us of where we were last year on this date, or 2 years ago, or 3. Today, January 14, I got a reminder from January 14, 2014. Here's what I wrote:</span></span></span><br />
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I'm not even sure where we are exactly but we are within a short walk of the sea and near The Hague and we are in the most incredible seaside hotel. The day spits grey mist. I took a late-afternoon walk through the dunes, mostly heathered shades of green and brown brush, yellow-red berries the only color dotting the day. The sea opened up before me, after a promenade of little closed stands promising ice cream and pizza to summer children, boarded up by the dunes' end. The</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> sea, the open sea, calm, like Lake Michigan in late winter. Too far north to feel like ocean to me. I walked for hours it seemed, got lost in the sand and then the forest. Finally found my way back to the 3rd floor room with a view of the dunes and a large bathtub. The only thing I hear is a hum of the old heaters, a seagull squawk like a cuckoo clock, and the wind against the old paned windows.</span></i><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The writer in me is so grateful for this post. "the day spits grey mist". I can use that. 'heathered shades of green and brown brush" and now I remember that walk exactly, as if I'm there, on those trails next to the foreign northern sea. I remember that hotel room. I don't remember the tour at all, nor the show that night, but I remember that walk, those dunes, that sea opening up to me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The sky right now is brown-grey, if there is such a thing. 4:30pm in January and the sun will start setting if it not already on the descent. It is spitting rain all day, a mist hangs over East Nashville. It is neither warm nor cold. Damp. Chilly. Warm tub kind of weather and we have no plans tonight. Jamey lays on the couch watching football. I have headphones on listening to Debussey while I write. And as I write, sentences spill out of me like the rain, no direction, stray clouds. A metal sign hangs off my shelves next to my desk. It says "Breathe". I bought it in Woodstock, NY the year I lived in a small shack in Shandaken in the Catskills in the shadow of Hunter Mountain. The shack was damp and had a sharp tangy scent, a biting cold undertone that could have been mold. It was owned by Johanna Pleasant. I spoke to her maybe four times that year I ran away. She was in her late 70's. A gravel-voiced woman always in a terry cloth house robe and slippers or fur lined boots, depending on the season, a cigarette dangling from her well-lined lips. Her voice was as New York as Fran Drescher's "Nanny", a gnawing thing. She lived in the house at the bottom of the hill, overstacked piles of newspapers and magazines lined the hallway walls, various rusting gardening tools lay strewn about her front yard. My shack was at the top of the hill, "Pleasant Way". I rented it for $500 a month. It included wifi. There was no phone. No TV. Cell phones didn't work there. The only heat was a small cast-iron wood oven and I had to chop the wood myself. I had forgotten all the details of this place.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">A few days ago I became obsessed with remembering. It bothered me that I couldn't remember when THIS event or THAT. Not the year. Not how old I was. I had to find out. So that adventure took me to our attic, to boxes of journals, and I spent the day reading through 15 years of journals, making a timeline on our chalk-board wall in our writing office. It started at 1994 and went to 2009, when I moved to Nashville. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I don't recommend this activity for anyone who is not in therapy or recovery and even then, I might suggest you don't do it.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Pages and pages of the same old complaint, the same story, same chaos, different characters. It was like I was starring in the same movie each year with different actors in different towns that had a different name, but it was the same plot and I had the same lines. It was fascinating. And then I began to see where the script changed and HOW it changed and when I had written down on this time line every person, every lover, every chaos, every move, the years, the dates, the seasons, I stood back, looked at it.....</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">....and laughed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Yep, I laughed. I didn't cry. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">A few years ago I would have cried. A few years before that I might have cried AND gotten drunk AND contemplated a high dive off a bridge.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">But last week I laughed. I remember where I was on that timeline when I met Johanna Pleasant and rented out her house. I also remember just a few years back getting a note from her daughter letting me know that her mother had died of lung cancer. I wrote "The Killer In Me" during a blizzard there. My friend Abbie lived there when she ran away from her life. It was a good place to hide, deep in those hemlock woods.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">It was October through May 2007. I now know this and that means something to me. It means that I was moving through to somewhere, although I didn't know I was. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">So, today, looking at the Facebook reminder is nice. I once took a walk along the sea in The Hague on a cold, damp January afternoon. That was the most memorable, enjoyable thing about that day, two years ago. Today I sit in my writing room, the wall above me is a collage of framed photos and pictures, my mother in her wedding gown, my grandmother in her nurse's uniform, a baby photo of my sister and me, a photo of the canyons near Lyons, Colorado given to me by Kathy Hussey one year at Rocky Mountain Folks Festival, a piece of art Kira gave me that says</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 14px;">when she finally remembered</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 14px;">what she was</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 14px;">she laughed;</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 14px;">it had taken</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i>so long to get here,</i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i>yet she had arrived at</i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 14px;">the perfect time.</span></i></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-45342491864359649482017-01-13T18:21:00.001-08:002017-01-13T18:21:52.386-08:00New Years Eve 2015<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">It is the morning of the Eve of
the New Year and, as the grey day around me threatens rain, I am curled up in a
writing chair with my feet wrapped in a blanket. The local classical radio
station plays Mozart (again) and a pine scented candle that burned last night
still lingers Christmas in the air. This may be the first year I will not
saying "Good Riddance" to the passing one. This year has been good to
me. So, I'd like to share my Thank You List to The Year 2015:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">1.<b> "That Kind Of
Girl"</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I birthed a record of
honesty and pain and vulnerability and surrender and relief into the world, and
it was well received. It didn't change the world. It didn't get to the top of
any charts or win any awards, but it helped me and I am proud of those songs. I
hope it helped a few others. My then but-not-now-manager but still friend John
Porter was an invaluable partner in this, always encouraging, always full of
understanding and love. A cheerleader, and when you are spilling some blood out
there, you need a strong cheerleader. Grateful I had one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">2. <b><u>The New York Times</u></b>.
Thanks to fellow Amherst College alum and writer Ron Lieber, I can now say I
have been a published writer for The New York Times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to register with The Times as a freelance
writer. I got a check with the paper's name on it. I wrote a piece for the New
York Times. Seriously. I may dance a bit again thinking about that. And I know,
I know, it was a short essay, not a huge piece, and it may be stretching it a
bit to ever say "I wrote for the New York Times" and I won't bring
this up too much at cocktail parties as in "what do you do?"
"OH, well, this year I wrote a piece for the New York Times" - I
won't be THAT person, even though here, in this blog, I AM being that person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, when you've been a folk singer and
you bring THAT fact up at cocktail parties (and you don't even drink cocktails,
which makes those parties very socially awkward after everyone else has had
their few freeing drinks), the response is usually a tilt of the head, pursing
of the lips in a forced smile and an apologetic, "Oh, I'm sorry, I've
never heard of you" as if fame is the barometer of success in any artistic
career (and it's impossible to explain to someone that there is really no such
thing as "folk fame" anymore).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe fame IS the real line in the sand. But I've been at this creative
game, whether theater or folk music, since I was 22 and so far I'm not homeless
and I've mostly paid my bills on time and I've not asked my parents for one
dime since I was 22. But despite my pride in my work, there was this moment
when I saw my name on the Thursday Financial Section of the New York Times in
March that felt as good as winning any award.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Felt like a real THING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something
to send home to Mom and Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a
HUGE HUGE HUGE honor to be asked to write a song and then write an essay for
the Times and then have people from all over the country write to say they read
it. And then to have NPR's show Marketplace call to interview me about the story.
And, the kicker is, all this happened the same week my record was released. And
Ron didn't even know this. It was completely serendipitous. And none of this
would have happened had I not written a blog here on Facebook that Ron read a
year ago about the struggle of trying to buy a house in a bohemian artist's
neighborhood that is now being taken over by people with money who want to live
in an artists neighborhood but build $400,000 homes around our little tiny
$180,000 cottages. If I never get published again, this was a real thing in
2015.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">However, my friend Mary is
writing a book for Yale Press about songwriting and THAT to me is an amazing,
amazing thing. Even better. Maybe I'll put <u>that</u> on my dreamboard. Not
about songwriting, because Mary's gonna write the one everyone's gonna want to
read. I guarantee it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'll find
something else to write about. There's so much out there if you pay attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">3. <b>Songs From The Well</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After years of teaching Performance and
Songwriting at various camps, with the encouragement of friends like Stacie
Huckaba and Mary Gauthier and Amy Kurland and Steve Seskin, I dove in and put
together my first self-led Writer's Retreat. Once I said "yes" to the
universe, it all kind of came together very easily. Penuel Ridge Spiritual
Retreats appeared like Brigadoon, a gorgeous deeply spiritual place led by a
woman with an engaging spirit, Laura Valentine, and with the help of one of my
besties, Renee Rizzo, we put together a transformative weekend for 13
songwriters. I got to watch each of them grow and have emotional breakthroughs
in their writing and it went even further and deeper. I watched them all
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jon Vezner came one night to
talk for an hour and he stayed for three. Told his whole life story. Stayed
available to every eager question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Played us his songs. The following night, Stacie Huckaba and her
assistant Lauren came and shared Stacie's story and made everyone laugh until
we all cried, including Stacie, and then, in that transformative vulnerability,
she took photos of each songwriter. And I would put money on the fact that
those are the best photos of each of these gorgeous people they've ever seen.
Stacie brought out their natural beauty. That's what she does. I learned that I
can do this. And that I LOVE doing this. And I'm doing it again in June. And
hopefully in October again, too. I want to teach more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">4. <b>Songwriting with Soldiers</b>
I can barely even process that 3 days with a handful of men and one woman who
have served our country shared their stories with me and we made those stories
into songs. I have never encountered such bravery. I'm still reeling and it's
been months. Darden Smith has created a very important program, Mary Gauthier
encouraged him to bring me into the family and through this, I met Monte Warden,
who may be my favorite living Republican (besides my Dad). He is an
extraordinary songwriter, a deeply intentional human being, and one of the
raunchiest, funniest dudes I've ever met. And his wife is hot and awesome. And
his kid is amazing. They paid me to do this, but I'd do it for free. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">5. <b>Friends</b>. I gained new
ones. I deepened old ones. I didn't lose any. That's a good year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">6. <b>Family</b>. Everyone's
healthy and thriving. There are no feuds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No one owes anyone any money and is grumbling about it. My parents are
very healthy, fun to hang out with, curious about the world around them. My
siblings are my friends, as are their spouses. My nieces and nephews are
gorgeous and fun and silly and I love all of them so much and don't see them
often enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">7. <b>Money</b>. Whatever. I made
enough to keep a roof over my head, buy some nice boots, save a bit, buy a new
used Prius and make sure Flo eats the super high priced grain-free food she
demands. I have all that I need. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">8 <b>Career. </b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From writing to touring to teaching, I've
cobbled together an extraordinary life, even if it's just me who knows about
it. I don't want and never wanted fame. I am lucky. I worked hard, but I know
that I am blessed and I'd be really bad at a 9-5 job anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I'd like to figure out a way to make
enough money and NOT be away from home all the time. My US agent, Craig
Grossman of Green Room Music Source has been really great about keeping me on
the road working and understanding when I don't want to be out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things are shifting for me. My friends say
I'm in a kind of "shivasana", that meditative nap you take after a
hard yoga class, where the teacher encourages you to stay prone on the mat
resting for at least a few minutes and tells you that this is where the work
settles in. That the nap is as important as the sweat work. So I'm in shivasana
right now, letting the work settle into my bones while I allow change to come,
however it will manifest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the
meantime, I've got a new record coming out in 2016 with my side project
Applewood Road, and dates in Europe and the UK and this country. And some
extraordinary opportunities to do workshops with Mary Gauthier and Bessel Van
Der Kolk (a leading psychiatrist in Trauma work) to explore how writing and
performing can elide with trauma therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The doors are swinging open right now. I just can't see to the other
side, so wish me luck as I walk right on through, trusting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">8. <b>Clarity</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yoga. Meditation. Running. No intoxicants of
any kind unless you count chocolate. I stopped drinking booze 3 years ago. I
got sober 2 years ago. It was about more than just not putting things into my
system that numbed out the pain. It's a day-to-day thing. And it's changed how
I live and how I feel about myself. None of the rest of this list would be
possible without that kind of holistic sobriety. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">9. <b>Love. </b>Fell in love.<b> </b>Got
engaged. I moved in. I sit in my new home I now share with this man I will
marry, a skittish dog I rescued and the man's German Shepherd who sits right
now as close as he can get, guarding me as if I was his one true love. Our home
is small. We had to compromise. His couch went. Mine stayed. His desk stayed.
Mine was sold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A new TV was bought. A
new bed. We combined books and records. Ditched the CD's. All of this was not
something on my radar 2 years ago. 18 months ago. This is the number one thing
I am grateful for today, on the last day of 2015. This <i>home</i> feeling
-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>finally. Love. I'm not bragging. Or
even humble bragging. This took work. Took a combination of hard work on my own
(and on his own) and a little bit of luck and then hard work together. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Let me tell you a little story
about serendipity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Last year this man walked into a
room that I was in and I noticed him and he noticed me. He was there because of
a guy named Bob. Bob is a man who drove us crazy. Talked too much. Rambled and
rambled. Was a bit dirty (he was a mechanic), oil and grease stains under his
nails. His stories sometimes wound around to make a profound spiritual point.
Most times they didn't and he just took up everyone's time. Bob had told Jamey
about this room and that's why Jamey walked into this room. I liked Jamey the
first time he said hi to me, thought he was cute and funny and smart and tall
and had a kindness in his eyes that I trusted, and I probably wanted to kiss
him right there, but I didn't want to screw up yet another relationship and I
still felt a bit unsure of myself, whether I was truly over the last one, ready
for something new. I wanted to make sure that if I were going to date, I was
going to go in with a wide open heart, not mistrusting from the start, not
looking for doom around every corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
I waited a long time. And I didn't make any move or even flirt. I just allowed
our friendship to blossom naturally. Looking back, it's clear. He was
definitely the one. Not that there's just ONE, but in the pantheon of potential
"one's", this guy had a light over his head from above directed
toward me in retro funky neon bulbs like a vintage gas station sign, blinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, fast forward, months later and we go
vinyl shopping on a Sunday early afternoon and my hands are full of Sarah
Vaughn and Willie Nelson and Debussy and he kisses me on my front stoop and
then says "see you tomorrow" and leaves me there speechless. And
hopeful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">We don't see Bob anymore in that
room and we wonder what happened to Bob. Over the year, Jamey and I become a
real thing, a couple, and then we're serious and in love and then one night we
find out sad news that Bob had had enough of this world and made an awful decision
and was gone. Just like that. And we go to his funeral and cry and hold
hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That room now has a gaping hole
left by Bob who used to fill it with his long and winding stories. I wanted to
thank Bob for somehow being the strange angel that brought me and my love
together. And that I'm sorry he checked out. And although suicide can make
people angry, I just choose to think Bob had done his work and punched the
clock. I'm sad he's gone and I'm really sad for his family he abruptly left
behind. But I'm really glad that part of his work here on earth was pointing
Jamey to me. Even if he didn't even know it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">So on this last day of 2015, as
the clouds darken the sky and my dogs bark very loudly at every sound outside
despite our having a Dog Whisperer try to teach us to teach them to NOT do
this, and the local classical station frustrates me by playing the same music
over and over and the NPR station talks of yet another gun death and the world
can seem like such a terrifying place with mass shootings and terrorism and
cancer and depression and homelessness and poverty and addiction and refugees
looking for a home and monsters like Donald Trump out from under the bed there
is beauty everywhere and there is hope everywhere and there is love all around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this is something I might not have
written on December 31, 2013. Or maybe even 2014.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So bring it, 2016. 2015 will be a hard one to
beat but I bet you can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm ready....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2f3c; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Amy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-40144079180235350712017-01-13T18:18:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:18:27.029-08:00Obituary For A Fan (October 2015)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #10131a; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I don't remember the first time I
met Bill Vordenbaum, but I know it was Texas. It may have been a Folk Alliance
show in Austin. He wrote a blog, a music blog, reviewing live shows, critiquing
albums. He introduced himself to me as a music journalist. He didn't write for
The New York Times or for a music magazine that I knew of. And I'm fairly sure
if he was paid for his writing it wasn't that much. I'm fairly sure he did it
for the love of music. He interviewed me for a few minutes that day in Austin.
He was awkward and big, he stood a bit too close, but he was kind and he knew a
lot about my songs, could quote them to me, was a real fan and I appreciated
his generosity and attention. He wrote about me when I released
"Fable", my first self-released record in 2001, a rough record of some
of my first songs. If you heard that record now you wouldn't recognize me and I
don't suggest going to find it. Bill Vordenbaum, super fan, sometime music
critic, liked that record and started following my music from Day One. He was
at almost every show I have played in Austin from that day forward. When he
wasn't there, I noticed and wondered how he was doing. He wrote a review of
almost every album I've made. He would send me questions via email for
interviews that I'd email back, questions that went a bit deeper than "who
are your influences" or "music or lyrics first". Our longest
conversation was that first one. Since that day, I'd say hello to him after the
show, thank him for coming, put him on the guest list. I knew nothing about
him. Nothing about his life. His friends. Where he came from. Where he lived.
There are people who come to shows in different parts of the country where I
recognize their faces but have to work my memory to find their names. Bill was
not one of them. Bill Vordenbaum. I knew his name and right now, even writing
that name, I see the balding round face, the round eyes, the crooked smile. He
carried one of those top spiral medium sized notebooks and a pencil. He wore
white t shirts, jeans a few sizes too big and a few seasons off style. White
sneakers. He was not a friend. I didn't know him. But I did - he was more than
a face in the crowd. He was that man who comes to every show I have played in
the 15 years I have been touring. He was that man who sits alone in the front
row, or stands off to the side by himself, smiling, swaying a bit with the
music. He was that man who knows the door people, the sound people, the other
musicians in town, who says hi to them, who has their records, who can't afford
to Kickstart but does anyway. He was that man who comes early to the show to
get a good seat who says hello who I hug hello, awkwardly, that kind of body
parted double pat on the back acquaintance hug. Something a bit more than
'thanks for coming, Bill'. You see, it's people like Bill Vordenbaum that make
up my audience, that make up the audience for people like me, under the major
label radar artists that make a living playing places across the country,
across the world. One night playing to 300 people and feeling like something is
happening, something caught on, feeling like "if only every night could be
like this, maybe just maybe..." and then the next ego-deflating night
playing to 3 people including the bartender and the sound guy. That 3rd guy?
That would be Bill Vordenbaum. And while we are kicking ourselves that we never
had a Plan B while people who buy our CD's are saying "how come I've never
heard of you?" or "good luck with this" and you bite your
tongue, smile, and say thank you, while really wanting to shout your resume of
stages you've played, reviews and quotes and the cool things that have happened
in your career, Bill Vordenbaum stands there to the side of the stage, knowing
all the lyrics to your songs, interviewing you with the fervor as if you were
the Next Big Thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<span style="color: #10131a; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I just read that Bill died on
Christmas. I can't say that I knew him. I can't say anything. But I read it and
my heart flipped and my throat closed up as if I'd heard of an old friend from
high school dying suddenly. And I wanted to say to him, I didn't know you,
Bill, but you mattered and you were noticed. Isn't that what we all want? Just
to leave some mark on the people we meet. It's why I write. I'm sure that's why
Bill wrote. I'm sure, too, that there are many of us, musicians who have met
Bill Vordenbaum, who had a moment thinking, oh man, THAT guy? That guy...so
sad.... I'm writing to somehow say to Bill, safe passage, man. You will be
missed. Thank you for gracing my life for a short time. Travel well....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-23946071128664487202017-01-13T18:17:00.004-08:002017-01-13T18:17:43.917-08:00July 2015<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Today I went to hear a bluegrass band in a
small Tennessee town park that was lead by a man named Robert E Lee, who played
a bit late after a botched American flag burning ceremony lead by a group of
Legionnaires while it sprinkled rain, after a very long and exhausting kayak on
the wide River with a fast current. Tonight I watched my favorite display of
fireworks so far that I can recall, special because they were semi private, not
a thousand people crammed together, but a few families along a river. The
lights snapped crackled and popped over our heads and I thought of last year,
alone at home, and what Jamey said to me while floating along Goat Island this
morning, that from where we were two years ago, there was no way to get here
from there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Here from there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">And
the miracle of a small town hot dog with a Korean War veteran, a shy little
girl smiling on a pony ride, and a fantastic display of sparkling lights
exploding in the sky above my head which rested on his shoulder like home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-49941143420117168752017-01-13T18:17:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:17:15.329-08:00June 26, 2015
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Tonight I got to watch the re-airing of the President's eulogy
for Rev. Pickney's funeral as I got back to the hotel after a long day and a
long week of doing my best to give these girls some tools to write songs, some
confidence that music is in everyone and that music is not a competition and
that music can be a way to express our secrets safely and can be a way to heal
ourselves and our communities and can be a way to express joy and love and
there was President Obama, stretching his own comfort zone, stretching from
speech into song, into Amazing Grace, in a speech that was maybe the most
moving oration I've ever heard in my lifetime, a lifetime that started with a
misguided war and a deposed shady President, a lifetime that started in the
year of the summer of love but a childhood under a cynical view of leaders and
politics, names of the dead scrolling down the TV screen, long lines to get
gas, a hostage crisis, a shooting of a president, the live explosion of the
Space Shuttle on the TV in my Algebra class, my first vote being for someone
for whom I didn't even really care except his Party allegiance, to my 20's when
I could vote for someone I did stand behind who was dynamic and, in the end,
completely disappointed me personally, not in his very human failing but in his
equivocations which were insulting, to personally watching the Towers fall from
the edge of the Hudson River and the dust of the debris gave me a bronchitis I
couldn't kick for months, and a President who hovered over a darkness and
deceit for 8 awful years and my cynicism grow until the day in 2007 when I
heard that Obama had won while I was in a meditation retreat and away from cell
phones and computers and television and had to celebrate silently, tears
streaming down my face, to tonight, to this morning, to this heavily weighted
gorgeously poignant week. A President of half a different skin color than my
own with a middle name that made me think his election would be impossible in this
very divided nation. A President of my own generation. A President who had a
checklist of things to do when he arrived in 2008 and has sometimes slowly and
sometimes quickly checked things off that list. A President who miraculously
passed an affordable healthcare act that has allowed me to be able to have
affordable healthcare and not go bankrupt trying to beat my asthma each winter.
A President who paved the way for the Supreme Court today to rule that marriage
is a right for every person, every citizen. A President who eulogized a man
shot down by a racist and who sang "Amazing Grace". This day I want
to remember my friend Dave Stefano, who came out to me my sophomore year of
college, and, when I said, "oh, yeah, that's cool" he said to me,
"No, I know it makes you uncomfortable and if you want to ask me any
questions, let's do it" and he took me to an all night diner in Florence,
MA and we sat up till dawn eating pancakes so I could ask him questions about
how he knew, when did he know which honestly was the door that opened me from
being ignorant and fearful of the unknown to being curious and open. And today
I have spent this day unabashedly emotional in my patriotism. I did not think
in my lifetime I'd ever see something like this. And by "something like
this" I mean all of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-78663582687140920812017-01-13T18:16:00.000-08:002017-01-13T18:16:33.577-08:00MARCH 26, 2015<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">A couple of weeks ago I got a random call from a writer from </span><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/26/your-money/my-biggest-financial-lesson.html?&moduleDetail=section-news-0&action=click&contentCollection=Your+Money&region=Footer&module=MoreInSection&pgtype=article"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">The New York Times</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">. Full disclosure, it was acclaimed author Ron
Lieber, with whom I went to Amherst College. He was editing a special
section of the Times that would include stories about financial turning points
and remembered I’d written a Facebook post a little over a year ago about my
process of looking into buying a house and having to move. He invited me
to contribute something to this special section. He wrote me, “Maybe an essay….maybe
even a song.” I was in the studio on the day of the release of my newest
album, ‘That Kind Of Girl,’ making another record with a side project of mine
called </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/ApplewoodRoadMusic?fref=ts"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Applewood Road</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;"> (an acoustic trio of three women
singer/songwriters) and my first thought was ‘Now? I’m completely
exhausted…” My second thought was ‘THE New York Times? Hell yes!’
You see, a few months ago, maybe even a year ago, I started contemplating a
life that had more balance. A life that included less time wasted in
cheap motels in days off in between shows miles away from home. A life that
would make space for gardening, time at home with friends, dating, maybe even –
gasp – a relationship. And part of that contemplation involved a lot of
meditating and prayer about wanting to write more and tour less. Not just
songwriting. Whatever-writing. A week prior to Lieber’s invitation came
another invitation to guest write for a column in the Nashville Scene. So my
prayers were being answered, I could see that and be really grateful for it,
but the timing was a bit fishy. I was overwhelmed and depleted and didn’t think
I could do it.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Knowing that I had to do this, not ‘gun to the head’ kind of
have to but a personal mission of ‘I WILL do this’ kind of have to, I called
Neilson Hubbard, one of my favorite people and one of my favorite songwriters.
I told him the assignment. I said, we have to do this today. He said, ‘I’ll be
over at 5.” That’s the best thing about living here in East Nashville. I
am surrounded by people way more talented than I am, way more fluid as
songwriters, as musicians. And we live within a mile or so of each other.
We write songs. We record songs. We play guitar or bass or drums or produce or
tour. When we are home we are HOME. When we are not, we are in far flung places
for a good amount of time. And when called upon to write a song, we show
up and write a song. I have a wonderful group of songwriters I meet with mostly
every week to share new songs with, for critique, for the experience of
throwing a new idea out to the world. We write all the time. Because our
neighbors are writing all the time. It’s not a competition at all here in
any kind of negative way; it’s more of a call to arms to the artist inside.
Create! Produce! I love it. I feed on it and being here in the middle of the
juice has made me a better writer. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We wrote a song called “Spent” in about an hour. It was
easy to write once we decided our subject matter was pretty much right next
door. We live in East Nashville, TN, a bohemian neighborhood in Music
City right across the Cumberland River from downtown that, for many years, has
been home to one of the most diverse populations in this city. Bisected
by Gallatin Pike where an uber-hip coffee shop might sit in between a Discount
LIquor Store and a Check Cashing Shop, this area is peppered with quaint
cottage homes, that, until just a year ago, were affordable for the Artist
Class. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">In the past five years, we’ve seen an explosion here in development
downtown, and that has crept across the river to East Nashville, as well, where
small, once-affordable homes are being bulldozed to make way for quickly-built
condos and larger homes. The artist class is being pushed out to make way
for the nouveau riche hipster. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">A little more than a year ago, the owner of the home I’d been
renting for 5 years gave me a month’s notice to buy the place or find someplace
new. I started the process of looking into buying a home of my own for the
first time, which was daunting. I am a single woman in my mid 40’s.
I make a living at making music. I do not have a ‘dayjob’. This is my dayjob.
And I make a living at my art, which is a dream fulfilled. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">But for many of us working-class musicians, painters, artists, writers,
we live a precarious financial existence of our own choosing.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">I remember a few years back, a conversation with my
father. He’d been a company man for my entire life. A salesman, then a
Regional Manager, then a Vice President, then one of a handful of owners who
bought the company they’d worked with for many years. I remember the year
of the buyout well, because my father was able to buy all four of us kids cars
– not new ones, used ones, but our own car. We all got computers. I didn’t
have to carry a student loan for my final year of college. My parents’ took us
all on an incredibly extravagant vacation where we learned to sail a boat
together. A few years later, though, the owners sold the company to a
multi-national, whose executives then turned around and ‘let go’ of the
original owners one by one. My father was jobless at an age (and salary) it
would be impossible to compete with younger men and women competing in the same
field for less money. My father was out of a job but more than that, he
was deprived of the thing he’d been working for all those loyal years: the
golden ring at the end of the 1950’s corporate rainbow – the retirement party,
the big hoopla over a life well-spent towing the party line. My Dad did
all right on his own, created his own company and consulting business until he
chose to retire to volunteer for the Boy Scouts of America and spend more time
with his church and with my mother and his grandchildren. All the time I
was in my 20’s and 30’s, working three jobs, trying to ‘make it’ as an actress
and then a singer and songwriter, bartending by night, personal assistant or
temp-secretary by day, working my way up the artistic food chain until I had a
manager, a booking agent, a label, until someone famous recorded a song I’d
written and gave me my ‘break’ and I could live very modestly off my artistic
work without a support job…all that time my parents held their skeptical
tongues. Until one day, my father said to me, looking back upon his own career,
“I’m so proud of you. You are your own boss of your own business. You did
something you love. That’s the most important thing in the end.” It was
one of the most important conversations I’ve ever had with him. That he <i>saw</i>
me and got it. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">I have a friend who used to say “We don’t make great livings but
we have great lives.”</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We are the artist class. Some months we make nothing. Some we
make $10,000. It’s the rare one of us who knows how to manage our
money. And it’s the very rare one of us that has a corporate entity like a
Major Record Label who pays for all the things we need to make our art.
We are all independent artists in the end. And we rely upon our audience in
order to make a life and a living. Whether that be from record sales off the
stage, the cost of a ticket to see a live show, or help from Kickstarter or
Pledge or any other patronage that may luckily come our way.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">I did find a house I could afford and, with the help of a
generous friend, we entered into a rent-to-own situation and, for that, I am
extremely grateful. But they are tearing down the small cottage homes
nearby to throw up $400,000 homes and changing the aesthetic and social fabric
of this little area where a session musician or a non-famous folk singer could
once buy a house and a piece of the proverbial Dream. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt;"><b>Spent</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">(Amy Speace/Neilson Hubbard)</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Come take my hand let's walk to the end of this rainbow</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Do you think that we'll ever know</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Where to find all that gold</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Once I heard someone singing a dream we could have and hold</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Something of our own</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">A place to call home</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We're head over heels</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">And in over our heads</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We borrow and steal to pay the rent</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">How we gonna save any money when it's already spent</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Years keep rolling the houses keep falling like dominos</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">They're throwing up condos</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">The new for the old</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">It's not enough to hear your own song on the radio</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">When your credit is far below</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">What they need for a loan</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We're head over heels</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">And in over our heads</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We borrow and steal to pay the rent</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">How we gonna save any money when it's already spent</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Can we stay or do we have to go</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">Could this be the end of the road</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">How we gonna save any money...</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We're head over heels</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">And in over our heads</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">We borrow and steal to pay the rent</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt;">How
we gonna save any money when it's already spent<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-30154184869490783522017-01-13T18:13:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:13:31.036-08:00Resolutions (January 2, 2015)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfEKM1LC3hChnvOPp2HeGVAmDC5MTR00UyKyn-l8n2W3ZdP-FjnS0Im7fIaqpHeRicvuB6ZKPcj_2HXT5eA_GflEZtuoFYsuppfU88m5MX4Q00bIC8gIx-j678d9jgFmbAAvzd06Jilpw/s1600/th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfEKM1LC3hChnvOPp2HeGVAmDC5MTR00UyKyn-l8n2W3ZdP-FjnS0Im7fIaqpHeRicvuB6ZKPcj_2HXT5eA_GflEZtuoFYsuppfU88m5MX4Q00bIC8gIx-j678d9jgFmbAAvzd06Jilpw/s1600/th.jpg" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm not much on resolutions. I can resolve all I want and
the next day something will come up because something always comes up and there
goes my resolve, melting like the butter on my toast. And then I'm left
with soggy burnt bread and a deflated ego that says "you failed again,
didn't you." So rather than resolve, how about I intend a few things? Intentions
seem more honest to me. Intentions have an out clause, an apology built in for
human frailty. Intentions say "I'm going to do my best and I know
I'm flawed so if I don't make it each time, it'll all be ok."
Resolutions demand. Intentions ask. Resolutions are the closed fist of an
aggressor, challenging the Gods. Intentions are an open palm to the kinder
spirits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">2014 started out in the perfect place: in confusion. It might be
my age, but I honestly don't remember where I was on New Year's Eve last year.
Was I with friends? Was I at home alone? I just can't remember. This
year, looking back on the past 10 or so, I remembered the long-ago years at
Steve & Alex's brownstone in Jersey City, 3 years in a row or more, I
think. Great dinners - the four of us, sometimes five or six
depending upon who was visiting, loads of good cheese and bread and wine (so
much wine...blue-stained-teeth kind of nights). We'd have these amazing
intellectual conversations about music and art and film, laugh and dance to the
Rolling Stones until the words started slurring and I'd slink an Irish Goodbye
out the backdoor at about 2am before anyone could see how sad I'd become,
leaving the party to rage without me until the sun rose. Those were great
dinner parties and I remember them fondly. At least the first few hours. That's
about how it always was. I'm not in touch with them anymore, the
friendship went the way of the marriage as these things sometimes do... and in
my gut, I can almost physically remember the disparity between the beginning of
the night and the end. Before the ball drops and after. It was always a tricky
thing, getting out before the sparkle changed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Where was I last year? I honestly can't remember...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I remember chasing cabs in the heart of the Village,
party-hopping in heels with friends, in my early and late 20's on a champagne
and tequila buzz, heading to the Jane Magazine Party because we knew someone
who knew someone. Or landing in a dive bar on Avenue C that had the best
jukebox in the City, loaded with Lou Reed and Jerry Lee Louis and Louis
Armstrong. Or at the Pierre Hotel with Lainie Kazan and Gregory Hines and
Bette Midler because I was Lainie's assistant, dressed in black velvet, holding
Lainie's purse. Later in my 30's, I remember watching the Macy's
fireworks from the rooftop of a friends' Jersey loft, surrounded by friends and
lonely at the same time, freezing in the night. I remember my childhood, being
babysat by my beloved grandmother, triscuits and cream cheese while we counted
down along with the television. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">But I don't remember where I was last year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So that's the way 2014 began: in a daze. I worked. I
toured. I wrote. I was stuck. By February, I was still in a daze and decided to
do something about it and confront some huge dark cloudy shadowy things that
I'd been dragging alongside of me, using them to cover me up like a blanket at
times, making excuses for years, standing (depending upon my mood) defiantly in
front of them, hiding behind them, sometimes denying their existence, sometimes
trying to stomp them out by force, sometimes letting them just lay on top of me
so I could sleep in the dark. So for a week last winter, I stood directly
in front of these monsters, called them by name, decided they looked a bit less
scary and maybe looked a bit like myself at age 7, like a favorite photograph:
a floppy hat with blonde braids at the lake, a pink misfitting bikini, my long
gangly legs and arms akimbo, crooked teeth, freckled cheeks. Awkward and
beautiful. In February, at a high ropes course in Memphis just down the
street from where I'd made a record a few years before with the late-great Sid
Selvidge, I walked out over a 50 foot drop on a single wire, repeating silently
the Lord's Prayer over and over like a mantra to keep my legs steady so I
wouldn't slip off the rope until the paralyzing and terrifying fear of heights
gave way to a calm trust and the shaking and tears slid away and morphed into a
giddiness I'd never felt until I was skipping across that tightrope. I
came home from Memphis the day I turned 46, a hard turn, no longer in my 'early
40's', like a pivot northward, and yet, felt younger than I had in years, and
after February, something shifted and everything started to change. An ease...
Music poured out. I did more yoga. I laughed more. I made more friends. And in
the very last few hours of summer, I fell in love for the first time in a very
long time. Maybe for the first real time ever. And so next year, when
looking back on how 2014 ended, I'll remember where I was on New Year's Eve. I
know this to be true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Back to those intentions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'd like to be better at making time to exercise when touring.
I'd like to make time to write every single day, not just think it's a good
idea and then not do it myself. I'd like to write letters, not just texts. I'd
like to finish more books than I start. I'd like to save more money than I
spend. I'd like to be the best friend I can be. I intend to listen more and
talk less. I intend to sleep longer. I intend to Allow. Rather than Resist. I
know this sounds a bit New Agey but I was a fist pumping angry atheist a few
years ago, and then cardinals started appearing, and then I lost my voice for a
month, and then I went to learn to meditate with some Buddhists, and then my
inner voice split in two during a 3 hour sit and I'm fairly sure I heard the
voice of Truth, and then I stopped drinking and then I stopped lying and then I
stopped all of it and stood still. And then when I'd stopped looking, the thing
I was searching for found me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Happy
New Year, indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-43723313798169073112017-01-13T18:11:00.005-08:002017-01-13T18:11:59.219-08:00The Grand Ole Opry (September 2014)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm about to name drop, but it's not for the usual purpose of
name-dropping. It's a gratitude post. Or at least that's my intention. Here we
go....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So last night Mary Gauthier invited me and my friend Jamey to
watch her from backstage at the Opry. I've been a few times to see the Grand
Ole Opry at the Ryman, but I've never seen it at Opryland, which seats like
5,000 people. Last night Mary Gauthier AND Kathy Mattea were on. I was a bit
starstruck at what was on the walls as we passed by photos of Johnny and June,
Chet, Loretta, we walked past Little Jimmy's dressing room. Jamey had been
there and knew people, could tell me names of country artists in photos that I
didn't recognize. He knew some folks in the band, he told me a bit of the
history of the show, the place. There's sweet tea on tap backstage at the Opry,
which gave me one of those "I'm so glad I moved south" moments. Kathy
was in her dressing room with her band, just eating a hot dog, being all normal
as if it was no big deal - just another day at The Opry. Mary was dressed in a
sparkly black jacket. The Whites were onstage singing in perfect harmony. The
house was sold out. We went around front to watch Mary's set from the back of
the orchestra level. I wanted to see this from the front, to see the jumbotron,
to see the crowd. I watched Mary, the first 'out' performer to play on the
Grand Ole Opry, wave at the front row which, she told me later, had a few
hand-holding gay and lesbian couples. Kathy joined her on her second number to
sing. And I watched these two women stand on that circle of wood from the
original opry, the circle of wood that Johnny Cash stood on, that Hank Williams
stood on, that so many stood on, and I saw the two women who held my hand
literally and figurative for the past 5 years, who were gentle guides on the
path of Where I Needed To Get To In Order To See What I Needed To See To Become
Who I Could Finally Start Becoming, both in my career, in my music, in my art,
in my spirit, but mostly in my soul. And I grabbed my friend's hand and I
almost started to cry right there, filled with an enormous sense of gratitude
and Amazing Grace. I may never have my chance to sing on that stage and that's
ok with me. I got to see two women who I admire greatly who were there when I
needed female mentors in this male-dominated business who are my friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We
go what we go through to get where we are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-51409276314761870132017-01-13T18:11:00.001-08:002017-01-13T18:11:21.160-08:00Rules Of Engagement (July 2014)<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">What is entertaining people on a mass level is
no longer genuinely popular culture -but a pale eviceration, a pathetic
dilution of a rich cultural tradition...It seems sometimes as if we have all
been convinced that we owe it to ourselves, we must be entertained by whatever
entertainment is most readily at hand...And yet I have seen clearly, I have
witnessed that there are deep pockets of culture which are resistant to
homogenization, there are still polyglot elements in our melting-pot land...To
appreciate [this] you have to be prepared to make a commitment of your
own. What is involved is a kind of leap of faith on the listener's part,
a willingness to extend his or her own horizons and break out of the passive restraints
that a technologically evolving society has imposed upon us. <b> </b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13pt;">What is involved is engagement.</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">(from the introduction to <u>Lost Highway: Journeys and Arrivals
of American Musicians</u> by Peter Guralnick)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'll start with a confession. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Last night was a beautiful cool mid July night in Nashville. On
any given night there are more than a handful of choices for outstanding live
music, ranging from free honky tonk on Lower Broadway to pricey stadium shows
at The Bridgestone Arena. I have no excuse if I whine and say "I
don't have anything to do tonight" because at the very least I could just
take a quick drive over to my neighborhood haunt, the haunt of most East
Nashville musicians I know, The Family Wash, and for literally dollars in a tip
jar I can see some of the best songwriters and bands around while sitting at
the bar. Last night I was feeling rather lazy. And I got a text from my
friend, a drummer from Austin, who happened to be in town playing a free show
along the riverside with Hayes Carll, one of my favorite songwriters and
rock&roll&country dudes. My drummer friend Mike even offered to
leave a VIP pass for me so that I could hang backstage. The only hassle would
be finding parking downtown and walking to the riverside. Not much of a hassle
to be honest. But at 9pm, I was home and feeling tired from a day in the studio
and the last episode of Season 1 of "Breaking Bad" on Netflix was
calling my name and I texted Mike some lame excuse, like I didn't want to go
alone. He texted back the name of a mutual friend who was backstage with him at
the time. Hayes would be going on in 20 minutes. I was basically in my pajamas.
It would have been so easy to just lie on that couch. But something nagged at
me, some inner voice said "Tomorrow you'll be really pissed off you didn't
go" and I got dressed really quickly and drove downtown. Parking cost me
$20. I walked to the riverfront park, got there just in time to meet up with
the mutual friend and sit on the banks that overlooked the Cumberland River and
watch my friend Mike play a great set with Hayes. And I realized that was
only the 2nd time I'd heard Hayes play a full set live. I have his records and
I <i>think</i> I've seen him play a lot, but the truth is I haven't because
everytime he comes through town I think, "Oh I've seen him. I'll catch him
next time." But the truth is I haven't. And the truth is I like his music
a lot and I always feel better after watching live music. It inspires me. I get
ideas for songs of my own or for banter or I'm just really happy to be making a
living playing live music and have friends that do the same thing. I feel
more a part of the community. My life is enriched by getting my ass off the
couch to see live music. I forget this when the Netflix pull is strong on a
lazy night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I played the Woody Guthrie Folk Festival last weekend in Okemah,
OK. Quite literally a one-horse town. They just opened up the first real
coffee shop in Okemah last weekend. It's a free festival in Woody's
hometown and by free I mean not only for the audience, I mean no one who plays
the festival gets paid a dime in performance fees. Everyone from Arlo
Guthrie to me plays for free (our travel expenses are paid for and we are able
to make a bit of money by selling our CDs). Which creates a unique magic for this
festival. I play some magic festivals where the boundaries between audience and
artist disappear at night around the campfires. But this one has a special kind
of community where there are no stars there are no divas there are no emerging
artists. Everyone is there for the same purpose: to share music and to share
the spirit of Woody Guthrie. I loved every single minute of this
weekend. Many of the performers are already friends of mine but a new
camaraderie was formed in the late night jamming in the parking lot of the Days
Inn, while playing our songs and having a legend like </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Amram"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">David
Amram </span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">play
whistle solos along with us in between his stories of his days trolling the
country with Kerouac or playing music with Monk. 83 years old and the man
could outjam the 19 year olds. This was engagement that was easy. This was a
commitment to an artistic life that made me feel part of a whole. My
Nashville neighbor </span><a href="http://www.timeaston.com/"><span style="color: #698190; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Tim Easton</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">, himself a Guthrie accolyte, took me to
Woody's homestead, just a sunken-brick outline of a once-house. He played
"This Land is Your Land" on my guitar while I gathered a handful of
red dirt in my hand that I rubbed all over my 1942 Gibson, dusting my hair with
the leftovers. Tim has a song that I heard for the first time at
Woodyfest and it's too late right now for me to text him to ask him the lyric I
need and I can't find it on Wikipedia, but the chorus inspires people to
"Participate" rather than sit on the sidelines and complain.
He's been tweeting this week as early voting starts soon in our town here. We
musicians can be a lazy lot not voting in local elections, running around the
world on tour trying to take over audiences in far flung places while ignoring
our own districts right next door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I guess what got me thinking about all this was a conversation I
recently had with my good friend Neale about his House Concert. He and his wife
have one of my favorite House Concerts on the East Coast and I booked a night
there for the Fall and Neale told me that his audience was dwindling. He
said, "Numbers are down, way down. I don't know why" and then named a
prominent folk artist who'd recently played there to a 3/4 full house. It was
depressing. And I've been thinking, as have every single one of my
musician friends, how do we GROW our audience. But maybe the question is not
about growth but about MAINTENANCE. How do we keep the ones who've been with us
since the beginning ENGAGED? Because I know that ever time I've played a town
to a very light audience, I'll get 20 Facebook/Tweet/Emails from fans who will
ask when I'm coming to their town, that town that I <i>just played the night
before</i>. And it would be rude for me to respond, "Where were you? Don't
you read my Email Newsletter I sent you telling you I was coming?" And
sometimes, these are the same loyal fans who will swear that of all the
musicians they know from the scene they'd put money on so and so 'making it'.
But then when so and so comes through town, that loyal fan might be Netflixing
it away thinking, "Eh, I'll catch them next time." Well: what
if there IS NO NEXT TIME? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So this is a plea to all of us, me included, the me that would
have sat on her ass and watched TV rather than get up off my duff and go out
and see Hayes Carll last night. This is a plea for engagement. This
is a plea for artist and audience to know that we can't do it without your
commitment to engage just as you can't be a part of our music without our commitment
to making it for you. This is plea that when your favorite travelling
songwriter comes to your town to play a House Concert or a Unitarian Church
Concert Series or the local bar or the ticketed venue in town that you make it
a point to go see them. And this is a plea to all of us troubadours to
not be lazy and take for granted those people that buy tickets to come spend
the night with us. This is plea that we all stay in active engagement. Let the
Katy Perry's and U2's and Taylor Swifts have their mass markets. Those of
us who play for 20-200 people have a unique life - we get to know you by name
and you get to know more than just our name. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">See, I saw Hayes Carll last night. And something that made me
get up off my ass and go was that about 6 months ago Hayes Carll (who I'd never
met before and we don't hang in the same circles and although I really like his
music and think he's really cool, I don't know him at all) tweeted about my
song "The Sea & The Shore" and then his wife tweeted about
it. And Hayes Carll has about 26,000 more twitter followers than I do.
And that meant something to me. It meant that by the next day, I had a few more
followers based on Hayes saying he liked something I wrote. He didn't
have to do that. But he did and that was cool. I have done that too - when I
like something someone has done, I want others to know about it. But I really
appreciated that little gesture from Hayes. So my getting off my ass was
mostly because I like the dude's music but it was also a bit of a thank you
gesture to him. He was getting paid regardless if I came or not because it was
a free show for the audience, but I thought of that House Concert Host who said
audiences are dwindling and I didn't want the conversation to end with me
saying "Eh - I'll see him next time." Because it's THIS time
that matters. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">These are the Rules of Engagement. Participate. Live. In Person.
If you like an artist, go to their show when they come through town. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">And if you're near Sudbury, MA on Friday September 19th, I'll be
at the </span><a href="http://www.foxrun.org/indexFoxRunHouseConcerts.html"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Fox Run House Concert</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">. I'd love it if you could make a
reservation and join me at the home of Neale Eckstein & Laurie Laba. They
don't get any financial benefit from opening their home to me and to the 70
people they can fit in their living room. They do it because they love music.
Because they are engaged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-2718953560402797642017-01-13T18:09:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:09:28.053-08:00Independence Day (July 2014)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">July 5th, Nashville, TN. </span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm gonna admit something. I didn't watch any fireworks last
night. I had a really good day and then as the sun was lowering in the sky, I
wanted to go on a long run along the river with my dog. When that was done, I
spent some time with a friend who needed a friend, and then I went home and
made a choice to do what I wanted to do rather than to do what I thought the
day expected. After a hefty social week of being out every night either playing
music or listening to it, I stayed home, cooked for myself, kept the doors open
to hear the neighborhood pops and cracks and sizzles, and watched a movie with
my frightened dog by my side. And not once during the night did I feel lonely
or really alone. I didn't feel any resentment of my choice, didn't feel the tug
of FOMO ('fear of missing out'), didn't feel that old whine of "oh, I wish
I had a boyfriend or a partner or at least someone to kiss...". I just
felt like I'd made a choice to do what I wanted. Which was to spend the night
not out, not watching fireworks, despite Nashville's standing as the country's
2nd best display (I've seen it. It's amazing. It kind of kicks Macy's NYC ass.
Bless their hearts).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Truth: I was tired. 2nd Truth: Last time I watched the fireworks
was with my friends as we all drank beers by the river and I didn't want even
the possibility of feeling left out and abandoning my course of What Is Working
For Me. I felt really really good last night. And even as the distant thunder
of fireworks reverberated in my home and Flo shivered against my leg, I felt
even more satisfied that I was in my home, on my couch, not having to talk to
anyone, just quiet. Content. Not isolated. And it struck me that there's a
difference between being alone and being lonely and that the difference could
be a choice. A few years back, I wrote a blog on </span><a href="http://innerspeace.blogspot.com/2009/07/make-lonely-your-friend.html"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">July 4th</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> where I was in a totally different space.
Less choice. More lonely. I read that blog today and I remembered that girl.
That girl was lost. That girl was stuck. That girl lost her ability to fight,
didn't have anywhere to run to fly anymore, and so that girl's feet got stuck
in Freeze. A very very long Freeze. An arctic freeze of a life filled with
unconscious and conscious bad choices and non-choices. Today, from where I am,
I can read that blog and see the cracks just starting to spread out on the
landscape, knowing a full-fledged earthquake is about to erupt for that girl.
It would take years. But it came. But today, a day after July 4th, I can say
with pure honesty I am grateful for that eruption and I'm grateful to not be
standing on fissures anymore. Or, at least when I do find I'm walking on
eggshells these days, I figure it out much more quickly and I jump the fuck off
that ground. Or ask for help flying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">This was the last sentence of that 2009 blog called "Make
Lonely Your Friend": <i> </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">...and maybe that's the impact of Independence Day for me this
year. </span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Independence. </span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Finally. </span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Not a celebration though. </span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">A melancholy awareness of the loss of
something for the gain of the unknown and a blind faith that the leap will make
sense on another far away July 4th.</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">That girl had no idea that in 2014, THIS girl would be making
sense of it all. Not so far away, in fact. Only a few years...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<!--StartFragment-->
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">So if you read <b>Make Lonely Your Friend</b></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"> from 2009, don't feel
sorry for that girl. Feel really glad knowing she got through that shit and
made it to the other side. At least for today.</span><!--EndFragment-->
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-79942535344386442822017-01-13T18:08:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:08:24.697-08:00Follow, Follow, Follow (November 2013)
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">You
see, sometimes there are days when I wonder about this choice I've made here,
driving for hours alone in my van with almost 200,000 miles on it without the
current means right now to buy myself what I would like (a Prius, used, even,
but better gas mileage and not on the verge of breaking down). Driving alone
for hours with an IPhone loaded with great music. Driving alone for hours with
the company of the voices in my head. And sometimes the voices are welcome
company. When they gift me lyrics or uncover memories or just swirl around in
places for meaning and connection. And sometimes those voices lead me down dark
paths of disconnection and, if I'm truthful, vulnerability and loneliness. And
thus began today. Fighting the dark voices. Alone in my van. After a wonderful
night of playing music and a great show, a great audience. Sometimes the voices
are just in a bad mood because the clouds are out. Nothing more dramatic than
that. And you wait for them to change their mood. Or you feed them: John
Moreland's new record, Otis Gibbs' podcasts, NPR. But sometimes, like today, the
voices take me to questioning this path, this solo journey, the choices I've
made. And there I was in my little self-contained swirl this afternoon as the
sky opened up to blue sunshine along the little road I found myself on. 30A. A
familiar road from Nashville bumper stickers I've seen from the songwriter's
festival I've never been to. And as I had Robert Ellis' brilliant new record
playing and was thinking about how it must be amazing to be here during that
gathering of song, I pass Robert Ellis Street. And it stopped me. And shut the
voices up in my head. And then that little road became yellow brick and strange
magic began to occur. This afternoon I was to play Central Records, a cool indy
record store here along the beach in Florida. And the dudes who work there were
super friendly and welcoming and I literally expected nobody to show up, but as
I plugged in, the shop became full of people, old and young, holding glasses of
wine and cans of PBR, people who came intentionally, people who would lean their
heads in and I watched their bodies be drawn in by the music. Hipsters who just
about an hour ago I would have thought in my dark self-flagellation wouldn't
pay attention to me at all. And folks who reminded me of my own parents. A
young guy, probably early 30's, holding a newborn bundled in pink smiling at me
in surprise as if finding me and my music was the best part of his walk with
his daughter. And even the hipsters who worked there were smiling and
listening. And my view from where I stood and sang "The Sea & The
Shore"? A doorway to the ocean as the sun set pink along the fading blue
sky, the blue waters lapping up along that white sand and the sky bursting with
pastel. And I thought, I am lucky. And at one point I forgot the lyrics to my
song "Ghost" because I was honestly distracted by the sunset and the
thought of my grandfather the sailor along those waves and I invited someone
who had bought the record to hand me the lyric book and up walked this older
man who had something of my Dad in him, in multicolored Madras shorts, bright
yellow and blue sneakers, and multicolored glasses. He held out the lyrics and
gave me his glasses and we both just laughed through this whole spontaneous
bit. And I hugged him at the end of the song. And at the end of the show, when
someone asked me where I was staying and I said I'd be driving towards
Jacksonville and finding a motel along the road, this man with the shorts and
the glasses and his wife offer for me to stay in their guest room in their
condo. Stu and Jane Campbell from Chicago who spend 3 months a year here in
Florida. But they need an hour or so to get the room ready, they said, so a few
girls who were at the show standing there buying my record, girls who seem cool
and hip and beautiful and stylish in an East Nashville kind of way, offer to
take me to dinner and I find out that 2 of them are new transplants to
Nashville (where I live now) from Jersey City (where I moved to Nashville
from). And the other is an incredibly smart and interesting woman from DC who
lives here part time who took me on a walking tour of the artist retreat and
talked to me of the tight knit community here who, I swear I would hire as a
tour manager if she'd have me. She said, 'We take care of each other here. We
don't let anyone fall down. We're right there to pick them back up if they do.'
And as the night sky grew chilly and I drove to meet Stu and Jane I thought of
my own parents who had spent a month in Florida 2 years ago before my mother's
health had started getting squirrelly, and how happy they were and how young
they looked for that month. And I thought: I am lucky. How blessed I am to
wander and stumble and sometimes intentionally walk down this yellow brick road
I'm on, albeit alone, to bump into strangers who take me in and tell me their
stories. And distract me from the voices in my head that tell me I should be
doing something else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-39294116998711585482017-01-13T18:07:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:07:27.183-08:00Falling Back (November 2013)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I made use of the extra hour tonight. It's 2am. I'm not
sleeping. I've been sitting at the piano in my quiet house like I did when I
was a teenager. Back then, I'd light candles and hover my hands over the keys,
hoping for divine intervention even though I was fairly sure that God didn't
exist (or if he did he'd pretty much ignored me or would be way too busy to
intervene with a 13 year old's desire to start songwriting when she couldn't
even play by ear and had no ideas, just this strong almost physical desire to
create). I thought if I just sat quietly with my hands somewhere in the
vicinity of the key of C, something, anything would come through the silence,
seep through and move my hands like a Ouija board. It never happened. It was
sharp and such a tug that I remember the physical ache of the need and then the
disappointment. Like I'd failed. Like something in me that was deep rooted like
DNA was calling and I couldn't hear. So I let it go, forgot about it. I,
instead, began to date songwriters. Or at least crush out on them. First was
Jon Goodman in high school. The boy with the most incredible baritone voice. A
superstar of a high school singer. A songwriter. We never 'dated'. He didn't
seem interested in me like that. But one summer I thought something shifted, I
went away to a summer program for the Arts, a kind of prestigious thing that
I'd auditioned for and bartered God with everything I had to get in. Jon had
gone the year before and he was clearly so far more talented than anyone else
in our school, hell, in our State, that just by being accepted I felt a bit
closer to the stars. That summer, he wrote me a song. I still remember the
first line. It started with "She left for Spain today, seems time has left
me too". After he went to college, I lost touch and didn't really see him
anymore in my life. A few more songwriter-crushes until one day, when I was
about 25 or 26, a few songs of my own fell out awkwardly. Something moved
inside of me and trickled, then about 5 years later, it started spilling out
like water. It still feels clunky and slow to me. Never fluid. Never easy. It
took picking up the guitar and wading through a completely new instrument to
hear what was happening in the silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">So, tonight I sat at the piano, playing a few of my songs,
awkwardly, clunky and rough. Then I tried to play a few songs I knew. It was
slow and I had to think too much, translate frets to keys, but it got easier as
it got later and later. And then a friend sent me a song and I had to learn it
and play it. And now I feel like I wish I had three days of nothing to do but
sit at the piano and play until the current runs smooth and clear. Right now
there's rocks everywhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I envy my friends who started writing when they were really
young. I always feel years behind. Which is why it doesn't matter that it's 2am
and I need to wake up early to get somewhere important to my soul - my kind of
church - where I find God -- or what I feel is more like a current of wind or
water than a blonde human with blue eyes on a cross. It's not just about quiet
for me. It's about really early morning or really late at night quiet. There's
an electrical hum and a fearlessness that comes from being half-awake. Hovering
hands over a shapeless idea. If I catch even a corner of it in this weary
state, maybe when I'm awake I can make sense of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Like saying "MacBeth" outloud in a theater, I wonder
if I'm about to be struck down for writing 'outloud' this mystery. It's the
thing that makes me feel most insecure. Most vulnerable. Most terrified. Most
joyous. Most hateful. Most despairing. Most blissful. Most alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Most in the current.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">p.s. and for the record, I'm glad that boy in high school didn't
return my crush, as that maddening ache started something far more important
inside me than any slow-dancing Prom date could promise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">p.p.s. he really was the most incredible singer. Probably still
is. Wherever he is in the world.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-7308564767929567162017-01-13T18:06:00.002-08:002017-01-13T18:06:14.367-08:00Five Fingers (June 2013)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwh8DkBAQU2bAeLtDepqc-XvQpE4Sq8g0zkBKy8rGh8GWA9rCSaEBK9M_nYTp6grGwIV0Q8r-X9rcPhNzTuTyJz6TA-SzFxm-A43FdGzXg_gt3qFptBsBswwvA55JkTAfDst8GkPgb6DA/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwh8DkBAQU2bAeLtDepqc-XvQpE4Sq8g0zkBKy8rGh8GWA9rCSaEBK9M_nYTp6grGwIV0Q8r-X9rcPhNzTuTyJz6TA-SzFxm-A43FdGzXg_gt3qFptBsBswwvA55JkTAfDst8GkPgb6DA/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Falling asleep on the edge of the woods in Frederick, MD in a
large log home my parents are about to put on the market although I always had
this dream that one day one of my songs might make enough money that I could
pay off the house for them and still have my place in Nashville and buy their
worry off their back with my dream that they helped pay for when I was much
younger but sofar that has not happened and so instead of wish for things out
of my reach I will be grateful that I had an evening off to come here and have
dinner with my family and watch a movie with my parents and listen to the
falling rain on the large windows that look out to the creek and the acres and
acres of trees that when I was much much younger my father might have taken me
on walks amongst in order to collect and classify the leaves to identify the
trees, shadowing the forester.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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cradled in warm bath water while I sang to her, the Boston accent that slipped
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-65604028963608041562017-01-13T18:05:00.001-08:002017-01-13T18:06:33.354-08:00June (Monday June 13, 2013)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWEb_yvQpgBRW-mZPSqYBgtSx5tndi1-cyttyPmksEECguRzLF_BqYvsmmbRA4WOa97hdU8MJhSWsMR7vjAEWHJlAbqqGGGqPl4bjbg5FzkOzCImjvsiguEQTlFBKB_aKtsflVyEBTPAY/s1600/IMG_1435-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWEb_yvQpgBRW-mZPSqYBgtSx5tndi1-cyttyPmksEECguRzLF_BqYvsmmbRA4WOa97hdU8MJhSWsMR7vjAEWHJlAbqqGGGqPl4bjbg5FzkOzCImjvsiguEQTlFBKB_aKtsflVyEBTPAY/s320/IMG_1435-1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">The rain started in suddenly about fifteen minutes ago and then,
as quickly as it came, it left trailing off like a sigh. The late night
humid spring took a cool turn and my dog’s panting slowed. I’m sitting
here on my couch, not watching a movie I have on the TV. Instead, I’m
watching my dog breathe. Memorizing every fold of her skin, every spot on
her ticked fur. I lay with her a while ago, alongside her worn body,
gently trailing my palm down her back, feeling every anorexic ridge of her
spine sticking out, my nose buried in the fur of her neck, breathing in the dog
smell I’ve come to know as home. I can feel the catch in her breath, the
effort of remaining. I am afraid to go to sleep, to let down my guard, to
let go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Tomorrow I may have to euthanize my dog. Her name is June and
she is 12 and four days ago I learned she most probably has cancer, although
the only way to be sure would be an invasive surgery she might not survive at
her age. The news was devastating, as I’d convinced myself her rapid
weight loss was a simple infection that medicine could fix. Still, I
thought, cancer does not mean today. I once had a Rottweiler diagnosed with
bone cancer and given 4 months at most who lasted 2 beyond that
prognosis. Surely June might have a few months. Surely there must be a
way to beat this. Just yesterday I was told there is no beating this, it
is beating her, and rather quickly, and the kindest act of love would be to let
her go. And soon. As in a few days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I became practical. Not today, I thought. She has to come
home and eat dinner and I have to at least have another walk with her. She has
to sleep to the side of my bed below me in her dog bed, looking up to see if
I’m still awake. Not today. Maybe Thursday. I leave town on Friday
for a week. I cannot leave the sad task to my dog sitter. I have to do this
myself. So Thursday. That gives me a day to grieve before having to get on a plane
and get to the festival. I call my best friends. They will take off work
and help me. They will drive with me. I do not want them in the room. I want to
hold June on my own, the two of us together as it has been for the past 3
years. Thursday it is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Last night my friends came with their old dog, June’s friend.
June perked up a bit. My friends brought me dinner. They let me cry. We shared
our dinner with June. We laughed. We talked of other things and for a moment
everything was normal. Then I’d see June try to lie down on her distended
belly, in obvious discomfort, and I’d cry again. After my friends
left, my ex husband called on a video call. He wanted to see June one last
time. To see his face breaking down was more sorrow than my heart could take. I
tried my best to hold the phone up so that he could see her. We talked briefly
about the day we adopted her, 11 years ago. For a moment, I missed him. I
missed us. In the grieving, much was erased.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">*******<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">This morning I awoke and looked into June’s eyes and something
had changed. There was effort. A fog. Maybe pain. I couldn’t tell. My stomach
dropped and I thought, not today, not today. And then immediately a calm
settled in and I thought: if today, so be it. I got out of bed to put the
kettle on the stove and June padded in behind me as she always has, waiting for
her breakfast, and then gulping it down and licking the bowl clean. Not today,
I thought, with relief. Not today. And then I began planning: if she can make
it a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a month… I thought, I just have a one
week teaching gig then a festival. She’ll be fine with Milton, my friend who
watches her while I tour. I’ll come back, we’ll have some time together…I began
stretching out the days ahead, believing she’d hold on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I have held three other dogs as they fell to the last
sleep. I grieved each of them deeply, most especially the first. But with
all of them, I shared that last moment with my ex-husband before the
ex-ness. It is a far emptier thing to let go alone. With my marriage,
it was partly the dogs that kept us together for a long time. That was a
good thing. We allowed silence to creep into our marriage and were able
to ignore it with one or two large dogs sleeping in between us. We
drifted away from each other and closer to the dogs. Eventually, I confronted
the quiet and I left. It was a sad parting, but felt inevitable,
and we both grieved deeply into the fur of our beloved shared dog June.
Somehow in this, we remained close friends, helped each other find our new
apartments, June going back and forth between. Perhaps it was June who
prevented bitterness from infecting our bond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">June lived with my ex for a while, as he grieved, when I first
moved away. He says that it was June who kept him sane, who saved him. They’d
walk for miles and miles in the shadow of Liberty, rebuilding his life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Eventually I moved thousands of miles away to a new town and
brought June with me into my house with a fenced in backyard. I fell in
love with another man when he got on his knees immediately upon meeting June
and nestled his beard into her nuzzle. He would live with me for a very
short time, bringing his own dog into my home. That man would tiptoe
backwards very slowly out of my home, my heart, my life, his dog would die, and
through it, June was my anchor. June would lie next to me on my front porch as
I watched the sun set over my street, drinking enough wine to numb my
heartbreak. June would sleep next to me in my bed, curled up around my
legs or on the pillow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I joked that June saved me like my ex says that she did for him.
But living alone never seemed lonely with another breathing creature with sad
hound eyes sharing my life. And when the loneliness did crowd in, all I’d have
to do is lie on the floor with my dog and I’d know I was not alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I lay on the couch Wednesday with her and decide to spend the
night sleeping next to her here in the Living Room. She wakes me at 5am,
panting, whimpering, and I know something has shifted. She is not seeing me.
She is confused. I rush her to the ER, clearheaded, exhausted, alert. My
friend accompanies me, the one who loves her the most, who takes care of her
when I am away. He is solid, but worried and I appreciate having someone here
next to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Eventually, the doctors tell me there is nothing more to do and
I look into her eyes and see the weariness and I realize it is time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">It is Thursday. As if she heard me earlier in the week,
planning. As if she set her own calendar alarm. She is letting me go
right now, I can see it in her eyes that droop in pain. She is showing me pain
so that I will let her go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">The only thing right now I know to do is keep looking her way,
keep memorizing her fur, her eyes, her being. And to keep telling her
she’s been the best dog I’ve ever had. And that I love her very much. And
that I’ll see her on the other side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-43691032851794146962017-01-13T18:02:00.004-08:002017-01-13T18:02:50.627-08:00A Very Long Day (July 2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSIKmTRDDB_-2oKBEigDZVmgbSKNNA3u8cwl0nEHM2ygmKvlNKCmzqU2s7LUh2mJqRQ4ZVXhendM_FU_wXyGQyzVz46TDzC1nb7KsOH4yCoUAOeKkWTAQB1fS5YN2klAP7oxkW7LdeUuE/s1600/5617theater_masks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSIKmTRDDB_-2oKBEigDZVmgbSKNNA3u8cwl0nEHM2ygmKvlNKCmzqU2s7LUh2mJqRQ4ZVXhendM_FU_wXyGQyzVz46TDzC1nb7KsOH4yCoUAOeKkWTAQB1fS5YN2klAP7oxkW7LdeUuE/s320/5617theater_masks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Tonight I went to see </span><a href="http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/15/london-theater-journal-mary-tyrone-deglamorized-and-unforgettable/"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">"Long Day's Journey Into Night"</span></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;"> starring
David Suchet and Laurie Metcalf. Had cheap tix but I got to the Box Office and
they said 'we can move you to the 2nd row, orchestra. Would you like that?' Um.
Yeah. Duh. So I sat close enough to see the wig lines around Laurie Metcalf's
temple. Close enough to get spat upon. Close enough to be weeping like a baby.
This was undeniably one of the best pieces of theater I have ever seen in my
life. And afterwards, I was walking around the neighborhood looking for
something to eat and ran smack into Laurie Metcalf on the street and babbled at
her "you were...I mean...I'm so sorry to bother you, but you
were...devastating, amazing...thank you for your performance" and she was
so nice and smiled under her knit hat, tiny as a slip of paper she was, and I
felt like a gurmy drama student. But my soul was stirred and I was wandering
alone in London, just wanting to grab onto someone's arm and stop them and say
"did you SEE that?" Do you know the play? It's devastating. Long. And
bleak. And there are these moments in it that just brought me to almost
choking. The moments of each character confessing or realizing that they are
all reaching, or were reaching, for some big awesome truth something larger
than what is there in reality, some DREAM, that failed them. Each of them were
wrecked by the realization of the failure. To me: that is communion. WE all have
that. The thing we want that we lose or we never reach. Perfection. Andrea Del
Sarto, wasn't that the poem by Robert Browning? "Ah, but a man's reach
should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for?" (sounds like a graduation
speech). But that's the tragedy of life and it just tore through me tonight. IN
a way that was both completely depressing and completely uplifting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 13.0pt;">And then, I had to eat and drink some wine. Quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-28701017881781059032017-01-13T18:01:00.001-08:002017-01-13T18:01:35.794-08:00York to Bristol In Grey Skies (July 2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKsvXytdZrVBpjhzMAzYCAq1PJEli5Um5_HWDYb5bxm_0SuBgJZJohz63albJV2BI-VRTM8b3DdRctYUZAbOohuLBRGzPiGab__2T5pesYHwmrRC_K0N_u0BBBEnP-YjoPIZKTbpBCVpY/s1600/IMG_1296.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKsvXytdZrVBpjhzMAzYCAq1PJEli5Um5_HWDYb5bxm_0SuBgJZJohz63albJV2BI-VRTM8b3DdRctYUZAbOohuLBRGzPiGab__2T5pesYHwmrRC_K0N_u0BBBEnP-YjoPIZKTbpBCVpY/s320/IMG_1296.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">York to Bristol...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We didn't spend enough time in York. What a beautiful town and
everywhere I turned in the small winding cobblestone streets lines from Richard
III echoed through my head. I brought with me (on the IPad, I'm not
lugging my Riverside Collected Works nor my most prized possession of a First
Folio) the Collected Works of Shakespeare and confess to re-reading Richard III
and Richard II on the drive out of York. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">One thing that saddens me is to see in these old parts of the
city the same stores: Boots, TK Maxx, Banana Republic, The Gap. Strip
mall culture has hit. And it's sad to see TopShop right next to a thousand year
old Church. Homogenization of the world is a sad sad thing. Nothing to
fight. It's inevitable. But I prefer the old Parfumaries and the 2 chair barber
shops and the tea shops. I don't need to buy anything while I'm here. I'm
trying to downsize my life, get rid of the extraneous. I take pictures and
write. And buy a sweatshirt because I'm freezing. Other than that, you
can have your tat.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I read and slept on the drive back up to Bristol. I've
discovered a podcast out of Marfa, TX radio by Tift Merrit, called The Spark. I
listened to her interview (full of giggling) with Patty Griffin, a serious one
with Mary Gauthier, and a really in depth one with Emmylou Harris. I love
this podcast. I'm looking forward to getting to the rest of them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Billy White, Alejandro's guitar player, is this interesting guy
that once played with Dokken (hope I'm spelling that right, not having much
knowledge of hair band music), gave it all up to go live in San Miguel de
Allende to raise a child and has come back. He's very deliberate in
conversation and spiritual and the conversations are always interesting.
Bobby the bass player is the voice of reason. Been there, done it, and
still has a wide-eyed fascination with life and is wise wise wise with a sharp
and dry sense of humor. A vegan and a long distance runner, he's inspiring.
Chris is the drummer. Young spirit. LIke this is his first time on
the planet. He's funny, chatty, welcoming and warm, and reminds me a lot of my
brother Matt. The Sprinter is filled with fruit and hummus and soft bread
and rice cakes and organic peanut butter and water. Town to town....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">A restless night in a taco that was disguised as a bed in a
Bristol Travelodge that seems nice, except for being stuck in the elevator
yesterday during a power outage and the car I was in dropped 1/2 a floor. Might
not seem like much, but I had an electric moment of thinking this would be a
horrible way to go (me=quick to jump to the worst possible conclusion).
Trapped there for probably only 2 minutes, claustrophobia setting in,
gripping my throat and I tried to remain calm. Pressed all the buttons,
but there was no Emergency Button nor no way to contact anyone. When I
was released, I spent the next few times up and down to my room on the stairs.
I was ready for a drink. And to get out of this hotel for a moment, so I
wandered into the center of Bristol with Mike our tour manager to the canals
and we found a lovely old pub named, of course, Shakespeare's Tavern. And had a
nice meal. Not that I'm a heavy drinker or someone that eats a ton of meat, but
I had a few glasses of wine last night after really not drinking much on this
trip and I had steak and ale pie and I did not sleep well. It's quite revealing
to give something up and then add it back and see the havoc it can wreck on
your body, sleep and psyche. I woke up completely depressed and sluggish.
Didn't feel right. Thought I was coming down with something. But I
wasn't. And I wasn't even hung over. Just the effects of adding toxins back in
after detoxing. I love wine, don't get me wrong, and I like to eat meat
once in a while, but after 12 days of not really drinking and sticking as much
as I can to a clean diet, it really did a number on me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Bristol is nice, so far that I can see, but I think, after I get
my head back together after a good strong cup of tea and some yogurt and fruit
for breakfast, I'm going to take a run and then take a train to Bath. Get out.
Explore something new. It is bound to change something in my psyche. Letting go
of anything is such an effort and takes way longer than any of us ever would
expect. And it creeps up in odd places and in odd ways. Like a ghost bird,
limping along beside...I think what this fog in my heart calls for is some
solitude in a new town with a new journal. Then to get back to Bristol for
dinner and play guitar tonight, finish a song, start a new one. Just stay in
the moment, grey as it may be, but full of possibility....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-48133784466886761122017-01-13T18:00:00.001-08:002017-01-13T18:00:12.739-08:00UK Tour with Alejandro Escovedo (July 2012)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Back in the UK again, it's been three years. Last time I was
over here was a follow up to my supporting Ian Hunter's Acoustic Tour, where I
came back over with James Mastro and did a handful of dates on my own. That was
May 2009. It's now July 2012. I've been wanting to come back since 2009, but
had to wait on a new record, had to wait till my label found a fiscally sound
reason to release it over here. If it were up to me I'd have just come over,
album in hand, and sold off the stage. But this being a whole different
country, I took others' advice and waited till I was told the timing was right.
The timing, this time, being an invitation to support Alejandro Escovedo's UK
Release tour for "Big Station", his wonderful new album. Part
of this tour was a leap of faith. As 'support', you really don't make much
money. You hope for good CD sales from the stage to offset the cost of
traveling, and since I'm coming over during Wimbledon and right before the
Olympics, my travel costs were sky high this time. As well as some stupid
glitches I made (um, customs tax on shipping CDs because nobody advised me how
to do this...). But Alejandro's gang have made it easy on me, by inviting
me to travel with them in the band van. Which helps me to not have to rent a
car, and it's been great, because the guys in the band are all really kind,
very interesting guys with war scars and open hearts and they welcomed me in
from the start without any hazing or attitude. Mike Allen, the tour manager,
is a big Glaswegian with a heart of gold. And Alejandro is one of the
classiest and humblest people I've met in any walk of life. A huge huge talent
who is revered in many circles and is one of those artists that many people
feel should be way more famous (to me, he's pretty famous) and who, once in his
presence, the fame thing falls away -- YOUR response to him, not his response
to you. He seems to treat everyone with dignity and respect and meets people at
their levels. He is such a decent guy that I feel like I'm remembering why I
started doing this in the first place. And the kind of artist I aspire to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Sometimes when I travel, I'm tempted to blog about the things I
see, what I eat, all the unusual happenings, but not this time. I've seen
rolling fields of green dotted with sheep with sheets of rain from the window
of the Sprinter. I've seen red brick buildings stained grey from old soot. I've
seen castles from the highway, distant. Our days are running together.
Wake at about 8am. Make tea from the room (good thing I gave up coffee
this year for tea). Take a 1/2 hour run if we're in a safe area. Or do a bit of
yoga in the room. I've taken to doing an excruciating (for me) sit up routine,
as I'm frustrated by my body seeming to take some age on in the middle. Eat
fruit and yogurt that I've snagged from the dressing room the night before.
Meet at the van at noon. Drive 3 or so hours. Read in the van. Get to the next
hotel. Check in. Nap for a minute. Load in at 5. Check emails while the band
sound checks. I soundcheck for 10 minutes. We all eat dinner somewhere. I play
my 45 minutes. They play for 2 1/2 hours. I join them on a few songs. We pack
up, take all the food and waters from the rider for the van. Get to the hotel,
check a few emails. Sleep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">It's not glamourous. This is where it is a job. No real time to
sightsee. We get a taste. Then we're off to the next place. But for 45 minutes
I get to play some songs and do what I love the most and it's all worth it. I
don't make much money. Never have. I wonder if I ever will. I know that I need
to. Leading a creative life since I was in my 20's, I never really had the
luxury of making more than I needed and setting myself up any kind of cushion.
It's always been a month to month existence. I've chosen this. I know it and I
don't complain but it is unsettling. And I wonder if there will come a
time where I'll need to surrender to the realities of the economics of this
ever-shrinking/ever-growing music business -- a lot of people out there making
it, and not a lot of people buying it. I've heard way too many times
"there's too many girls with acoustic guitars out there" --
especially here in the UK. Bullshit. I hate that phrase. Are there too many
boys with electric guitars? Are there too many banjos? Yes. There are a lot of
girls playing folk/americana/roots music. A lot. But each is different. Just
because Mary Gauthier and Diana Jones and Carrie Rodriguez and Anais Mitchell
and Tift Merrit are out here touring (I see their posters and their names on the
bills of the places I'm playing) does it mean there's not room for another? Can
you really compare any of those women I just named and say that they are the <i>same
thing</i>? Don't they offer something different? Something unique and maybe
even essential? Don't they touch hearts in different ways?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Maybe I'm just the eternal optimist. I struggle every day with
the monkey-mind of comparison. The voice in my head that tells me I'm
not good enough and someone else is... better, prettier, thinner, younger, older,
whateverer. That voice is exhausting and I wish it weren't there, but it
is, always there. In all of us, right? I remember the first producer who wanted
to sign me to a ridiculous 7 term deal, just to make demo's for me. 7 terms and
ownership of all of my music just to make a few demo's. It was the most
ridiculous contract and I thanked him and declined. He said, "you'll never
get anywhere in this business". It was a line out of a 1950's movie.
And he said it with venom. That was 1998. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Hanging around with Alejandro and Bobby and Chris and Billy and
hearing their stories, I feel like, again, I'm in a club -- a club of people
who have heard these things and slapped them away. Told those voices to piss
off. While we followed instinct, sometimes down dark paths that led us to our
knees, and sometimes to these small moments where one really great show, one
amazing sound person, one kind club owner, one small club full of 100 fans who
love every song we're doing makes a magical night and we all realize that THIS
is what we're after, despite the voices, the doubts, the struggles, the
poverty, the lack of sleep, the loneliness, all of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">A string of moments. </span><!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-18540201110484263642017-01-13T17:59:00.002-08:002017-01-13T17:59:23.040-08:00The Sky Is Falling (April 2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAdo3B2evK1q4uYefDeLxPlGUYRs-R1S1rBJ01lwbyyVzwmfWtdF4MOqTa2nxDsEfT_TDaLZU0mAWybWt_bIgekX5T1xmz8XJrmm52MRMAD4s_aMhDnxlbNovYbrimriqx3fxSicygt5c/s1600/images-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAdo3B2evK1q4uYefDeLxPlGUYRs-R1S1rBJ01lwbyyVzwmfWtdF4MOqTa2nxDsEfT_TDaLZU0mAWybWt_bIgekX5T1xmz8XJrmm52MRMAD4s_aMhDnxlbNovYbrimriqx3fxSicygt5c/s1600/images-1.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I barely remember the second semester, freshman year, of
college. It was as if I'd been struck in the head and most of that time
period is gone in an amnesia haze. There's a few things that are clear, but I
slept-walked through much of those months and somehow I managed to go to class
and not fail out. My friend Sarah slipped a card underneath my dorm door one
day. I think have that card somewhere still. It said something about how life
can sometimes make you feel like a few elephants sat on your head. It was
warm and compassionate, but also very funny, and it lightened an otherwise dark
time for me and it was not the first time Sarah would be an angel to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">When I lost my voice in November this past year, I felt like the
sky was falling. I wrote about that before, but while I was in a dark place,
someone told me about a </span><a href="http://www.dhamma.org/"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Vipassana Meditation</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> course. 10 days of silence to learn
this technique. And because I'd been rendered silent, somehow this struck me as
not only a good idea, but a necessary one, and I decided to sign up for the
next available course, and give it to myself as a birthday present. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">At the tail end of February, I found myself driving 9 hours to
Jessup, Georgia to the Southeast Vipassana Center for a 10 day course. I had
been excited, but as the days grew closer, I became anxious and then afraid.
White-knuckled driving, not knowing what an entire day would feel like without
sound, not to mention more than a week. No reading. No writing (no writing?),
no talking? Terrifying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I played Darrell Scott's song "Colorado" over and over
and over again as I drove the windy backroads to the Center. "Colorado I
need healing from this sorrow I've been feeling..." Felt like it was the
appropriate last piece of music to hear before I turned the sound off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I arrived to this lovely place, clean and very well-kept, a
small pond lined with benches and willow trees, walking trails through woods,
dorms and a cozy dining room. The registration hours were not silent, but I
felt hesitant to talk to anyone, warming myself up to go inward. The place is
run on volunteer efforts. It does not cost to do this course. You donate after
you complete or you offer service of your own. It's incredible and it's
worldwide. I found my dorm room, which I was to share with 2 other women,
connected to other rooms and other women. Clean and sparse. I set my bed up with
my linens and pillow, unpacked my suitcase and joined the other women at
dinner, our last chance to talk before the course began. There was buzzing of
conversation, introductions, a few women who had done this course before who
were giving glimpses of what was to come, a bit of advice. I can't
remember talking to many. I told a few people who had asked where I was from or
what I did that I was a 'writer from Nashville'. Otherwise, I was quiet, trying
to concentrate on breathing and not give into a last-minute panicked ditching
of this crazy idea. The only thing that kept me there was that my fear of being
deemed a quitter is greater than my fear of actually doing something
terrifying. Leap...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">As we passed through the meditation hall for the first time that
night, being shown to our assigned mat/seat, I knew the Noble Silence had begun
and a grief welled up inside of me. Like so much of what I experienced that
week, it completely took me by surprise, my fear, my sorrow, my anxiety.
My breath became shallow and I checked around at the others' faces to see
if anyone else was feeling my anxiety. Everyone looked so calm and I felt
more alone than I've ever felt. Passing through that door we were asked
to accept the five precepts of the dhamma:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Abstain from telling lies<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Abstain from stealing from others<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Abstain from killing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Abstain from sexual misconduct<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Abstain from taking intoxicants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Part of this was Noble Silence (meant to help us with the first
precept). So much more than not talking to anyone, it encompasses not
being in communication with anyone at all -- no gestures, side looks, etc. To
stay <i>completely </i>within yourself for 9.5 days (we broke Silence halfway
through the last day). I was more anxious about the No Writing rule (they
ask you to not bring anything to write with -- writing and/or reading takes
away from the practice of really going deeply within and investigating a new kind
of silence). But I didn't really miss not writing or reading. Never
even thought about it after the first day. However, I have never felt so
lonely and alone as I did on that first day. I can honestly say that Day 1 of
this course was one of the longest days of my life. I did not think I could
make it. I kept in my head that I'd run 2 marathons and survived a pretty
harrowing trip to Cambodia years ago. I kept saying to myself "If I can do
THAT, I can do THIS." But I will admit that the first 7 days were
like mile 18 of the marathon -- never ending, painful, and very very tough.
I thought to myself many times "why the HELL am I here? I am never
going to make it." But on the other side of it, it was one of the most
important experiences of my life so far and very very worth the challenge. The
world would be a better place is everyone did one of these courses. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">This is what a day in Vipassana looks like. The morning gong
rings at 4am. By 4:30 we start our meditation in the hall until 6:30. The gong
rings, and we'd walk silently to breakfast. 8am -9am is a mandatory group one
hour sit in the hall. 9-11am is a meditation either in the hall or in our
rooms. 11am is lunch (the last meal of the day). 12pm-1pm we can interview with
our assistant teacher for 5 minutes if we wish to request clarification of any
of the points of the technique (I was there everyday). 1-5pm: more meditation.
5pm is a tea break with fruit. 6-7pm meditation. 7-8:30 is the evening
discourse given by the guru Goenke (via videotape). And the last sit of the day
ends at 9pm and then we are in bed. 11 days of this. Basically,
there are 3 mandatory one-hour sits in the hall. The other meditations you
could choose to sit in the hall or do your practice in your room. I chose to
always stay in the hall as the one time I tried to meditate in my dorm room, I
just fell asleep. Before this course, I was unable to sit for even a 15 minute
meditation on my own. Now an hour flies by....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So what happens? Men and women are segregated so we had no
contact with the men the whole time. There were about 25 women. All different
ages and ethnicities. I got to know the backs of their heads from
meditation. Or the rhythm of their walks from our walking path. I made up
stories about them, some of which ended up being very accurate. One woman,
Jenny, I felt very bonded to, even though we didn't speak nor look at each
other for 10 days. There was something about her presence that calmed me and I
felt like we were friends. I'd see her in her army jacket over her patchwork
skirt and I felt like I was going to be ok. I felt deeply compassionate
for my roommate, a young punkish girl of about 20 who reminded me of Oliver
Twist. Our job in the course is to learn Vipassana: a technique taught by
Goenka in the ancient tradition of the Buddha, to meditate by observing your
breath and 'scanning' for sensations as they arise on various parts of the
body. This is a technique to develop a physical understanding of the present
moment, of the truth of Impermanence (everything changes) and to bring a
balanced mind to this understanding (Equanimity). And that it would eradicate
suffering and bring about liberation. It's not just a kind of 'om
shanti'ing' your way to calm and peace and enlightenment. It's an extremely
concentrated process, demanding the most exacting of attention and awareness.
It is hard work, I won't lie. I fought it for 7 days. My mind does
not slow down. My mind chatter does not shut up. I went there to try something
completely foreign, to try something different. I'm always up for an adventure
and this would be another one. I'm not very religious, and have been searching
to find some relationship to spirit that was far away from the Catholic God I
had to fire a few years ago. I was not lost. I was not bereft. I didn't feel
broken. I went there to add more to my life, in essence, by paring down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I brought with me years and years of 'monkey mind' -- the
spinning chatter of that voice in my head. I brought with me people I had
wronged. People who had wronged me. Heartbreak and sorrow. I brought people who
I didn't want to come with me. Does this make sense? I fought these people in
my mind like demons as I tried so hard to stay with my breath and the
sensations in my body. And then my mind would drift to anguish or anger,
sometimes joy, to lists of what I would do when I returned home, to
conversations I should have had, that I would have. And I would try to bring a
friendly and gentle touch to bringing my mind back to my breath. I fought
this every minute of every sit for those 7 days. My back ached. My legs fell
asleep. I thought "what the hell am I doing here?" I was bored. I was
restless. I was in physical pain. I was angry at my own restless self, then I'd
try to give myself a break and try again. And I'd get frustrated again. I would
get up off my mat and go for a walk in the woods and find myself crying
uncontrollably there. A cardinal would appear (of course...). And I'd feel
somehow graced by something other than myself. I began talking to my grandmother
(gone years ago...). I talked out loud a few times just to hear the sound of my
voice. It cracked. I heard my own lyrics come back to me, in phrases that
seemed like messages from my younger self or a future self. I lost my appetite.
I barely slept. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Then on day 7 my tooth cracked and fell out. And without any
drama, I was able to walk through the next few hours of figuring out if I had
to leave or not (I was able to speak to our course manager, a volunteer who was
extraordinarily calming and helpful). If I left to see a dentist, I
wouldn't be able to return to the course. I'd have to start over. And believe
me, this was not a time I wanted to leave. So, after she had a conversation
with a dentist friend of mine on my behalf, it was determined I could stay and
deal with it when I got home (I wasn't in pain, the root wasn't exposed). As my
teacher told me, "this is a storm and this is part of the practice."
And something else broke that day. As the panic rose both from a real fear
of pain and also from a fear of failing, I used the technique and it did
change. Impermanence. I watched as things changed. And I was able to get
balance. And blissfully and gratefully I thought "It worked!" I
almost danced...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">From then on, something else happened. The practice opened up a
deep reservoir of strength in me. A calming balance. I was able to see my past
choices and mistakes as part of this great river of being that was necessary
for my own path, so far. I saw where I had a part in the wrongs I perceived others'
did TO me. And I clearly saw where I had wronged. And why. My music came to me,
the new songs, and a vision of the next record followed me on the walking path
one afternoon. I thought "I wish I could write this down" but
then I also felt this deep sense of letting go -- I'd remember if it was
important and if it wasn't, then it wasn't... Not having the ability to record
every thought on paper or guitar was actually a blessing. I slowed down. I felt
grief over things I'd been grieving but instead of get choked up in it, tangled
in a knot, I let the tears fall and thought "this, too, will change"
and then watched the grief make space for a calm. By Day 9, I can
honestly say I have never felt so at peace, so ok with my world, my body, my
life as I did those last days. The last few meditation sits were the most
profound experiences I have ever had. Deeply profound. In and out of my body at
the same time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">The last day is a day of Metta -- love, and we broke Noble
Silence and are taught another kind of meditation, "loving kindness"
and it was a magical day. I found Jenny and we both had the same feeling about
each other, like we were sisters. We laughed and told each other about our
lives. Feeling so alone and so much like everyone else was having these
amazing enlightened experiences, I found it incredible that everyone was
grieving and crying and hurting and freaking out just like I was. And that we
all got to the place where we were able to let it go. Had we been talking to
each other through the whole week, I doubt I would have found the reservoir of
self-reliance I found. Now I see why Noble Silence was absolutely essential to
the course. The 10th day was such a day of light and healing and deep, deep
bonds with these women who I had not spoken with at all. Turns out, a few of
them were curious during the whole experience "what was the writer going
through?" One woman, who sat behind me in the meditation hall told
me that I was her angel. She said that I seemed so strong and calm, my back was
such a presence of grace and strength. I admitted to her that I was falling
apart and how the hell could she have gotten grace and strength out of that and
she just smiled with tears in her eyes and said, "You and your back got me
through this." I felt the same way about Jenny. And my Oliver
Twist-like roommate, who was there each and every sit, straight and determined,
coughing from a bronchial infection, but never complaining. The night of
the 10th day, we stayed up till 2am talking and sharing our lives. It was deep.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I was looking forward to the 9 hour drive home alone, where I
could call friends and babble about the experience, but a 23 year old boy
needed a ride to Nashville and he joined me. Turns out it was a blessing. He
had done 3 Vipassana courses in his young life and his insight into the
after-effects of this course were really necessary. I asked him a thousand
questions before dropping him off in East Nashville. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I have been meaning to write this blog now for over a month, but
my need to write has shifted a bit since then. I turned on my computer
that first night and the Facebook home page came up and I felt bombarded with
reality and had a bit of a freak out. Life. Reality. Gossip. Professional envy.
The world spun too fast around me and I had to turn the computer off. That
first week home I was up every morning at 6am to meditate for an hour. I felt
changed. I came back to my same life, but I felt I had changed. That was my
goal: to not change the circumstances surrounding me that were challenging, but
to be able to change myself <i>within</i> them. I was able to do
that as long as I stuck with my morning sit. The continuing practice is to do a
one-hour sit twice a day (morning and evening). I have not yet been able to do
the evening sits. And I haven't been able to keep up the practice every day,
especially on the road, but when I miss a sit, I can feel how much I wish I had
done one. It is a magical centering for me. I utilize Vipassana
when I feel conflict or anxiety, or just when I'm driving these long drives.
The meals there were vegan and without coffee or alcohol, two of my 'vices'. On
the long drive home back to Nashville I stopped by a coffeeshop, eager to get a
cup, as it had been 11 days. I took a few sips and felt it course through me like
a poison. I threw the cup out. A few weeks later, I tried coffee again and
again, felt it through me like molasses. I just felt off. Since then, I have
not had a cup of coffee. I've become a tea drinker, something I never thought
I'd be. I have gone back to eating meat, but I definitely feel it disrupt my
digestion. And wine, I've gone back to, but again, I'm more aware of it's
effects and I'm cautious. The course made me very aware of my body, my
soul, and how I walk through this world. It wasn't like a magic cult where
everything changes and all of a sudden you reach enlightenment. I'm not walking
around in a white robe with a pacifist smile on my face. I just feel like
I gained some new tools when life throws an elephant or two on my head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">A few nights ago, here in New Jersey, visiting my brother and
his family, I was walking back to his house after we were having dinner with
his neighbors. I had my guitar on my back and my niece and nephew, 3 year old
twins, were in front of me, when I heard a crack from the sky. A branch had
broken off a tree, about 50 feet above my head, and I felt a sharp pain and
then heard a loud crash. It fell on my head then bounced to the garbage cans,
crashing and breaking. I was stunned, my knees buckled a bit, and I sunk to the
driveway for a moment, before realizing what had happened. My sister-in-law
came running to find out if I was ok. I was, but I was stunned and a bit
shaken. I was ok. No real damage. But I thought how fortuitous that the branch
struck me rather than the 3 year olds, who were literally inches in front of
me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I
don't believe that there's a cosmic reason for everything. I believe in some
amount of chaos and planetary indifference to our little journeys. But I
like to indulge sometimes in symbolic games. To attach meaning to chaos.
It makes for a more interesting, poetic narrative to the random. More
agnostic than atheist. Someone said to me, "Religion is for people
who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there." I
like that. It has been a hard year for me. Those who are close to me know
this. I've been walking through a year of elephants right and left, trying to
hold onto the path, accept the elephants, sometimes bring understanding and
compassion to them. But I'm also trying to step out of the way and allow
the elephants to splat on the ground and then step over them sometimes. It is
so hard to know when to take the punch and when to turn your back. I'm
learning. Slowly, it seems, but I'm accepting that this is my journey. Others
may take it a different way. This is, I guess, why I write. To make sense
of the senseless. To make admission of the confusion and the failings so that
others may reach out their own flaws and we can all see that in the end,
through the joy and the sorrows, we really are all made of the same stuff.
To accept the What Is rather than crave the What We Wish It Really Would
Be. That's the hard stuff for me. Because I live in the "I Wish It
Were...." That's where suffering comes from. Goenka lectured
that the Buddha taught that suffering comes from craving and aversion.
Enlightenment comes from acceptance. Funny how therapy and recovery and
meditation and conversations swirling around me all say the same thing.
Acceptance of the What Is. I craved an outcome that clearly isn't mine to have.
In many things. Don't we all? I am greatly blessed to have a way of making a
living (meager though it may be) through doing and creating something I am
passionate about. But there are sacrifices to every choice and it can be
a dark place to sit in the "What I Don't Have" for too long. We all
do that. I wish things were different. I wish to stand on a tall mountain and
defend myself, to demand what I want, to get what I want, to rail against the
unfair. Also wish to sit quietly, for an hour or two every day, and listen to
the nothingness tell me that what it is right now is exactly what it should be.
Maybe sometimes we need a knock on the head from some elephants to remind
us of that....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-50719657849899876012017-01-13T17:57:00.003-08:002017-01-13T17:57:48.872-08:00Best Grief Is Tongueless (Nov. 2011)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I have never been a quiet girl, but I have been forced into such
a space. I have acute laryngitis. I am healing, I've been to the best doctors,
there is nothing damaged, but 13 days ago I woke up and nothing came out. My
singing voice is definitely healing and I've done a few shows successfully, I'm
just lowering keys and being very gentle on my voice as I sing myself back to
health. Its the talking voice that's ragged, so I'm just not doing much of it.
I'm not a quiet girl. I'm also not a patient girl. And the healing involves
patience. Because my vocal chords are swollen and, along with a few things I
can do and some medicine and avoiding certain foods and drinking a lot of
water, really, the one thing I need right now is patience. Because it will come
back. I just need to let go. Letting go is not easy. Let go of results, let go
of timing, let go of all expectations and allow that as long as I do the things
I'm supposed to do, my voice will come back. When it is ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I've been toying with this as metaphor. Like Saul/Paul the
apostle struck blind. I once was blind but now I see? Maybe in the quiet hours
I will find my voice, a truer voice? And I'm not talking about singing here. I
feel like I've been on the path of truth-seeking for a while. "Who
isn't?", you might add, but I've been like a warrior on this quest.
Stumbling and tripping over myself and others, doing my best to stay directed
like a flashlight at the hope for clarity. Or something in the near vicinity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">The throat chakra is Vishudda and when it is opened it is said
to transform negative experience into wisdom and creativity. When it is closed,
it is grief and death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I've been writing a lot lately. Songs, stories, letters I won't
send. Grieving things I'm letting go, grieving the road not taken. I remember
loving that Frost poem. My grandmother would read Frost to me and I'd think of
myself as a warrior child: that <i>I'd </i>be the one to take the road less
travelled by. I <i>knew</i> I would. My grandmother lived long enough to see me
not only take it but to earn enough success on it so that she could rest easy,
knowing that I would eat and pay rent by it. I never thought that the <i>other</i>
road, the road of stability and family and children and a mortgage and routine,
might <i>also</i> live in the 'less travelled' by stanza. Mostly, I can with
confidence say that I wouldn't change a thing. And yet, there are times when
the grass might seem greener and I regret things, missed turns, lost friends. I
spend my life driving and flying to shows, mostly alone, sometimes with others.
And I am passionate about what I do and I am blessed to earn a living from my
'bliss'. But, there are days when it is too quiet and after the gig and the
silence in my hotel room is hard to take and, at least for right now in my
self-imposed solace, that there's not someone calling to check in and say
goodnight is my reminder of my aloneness: the shadow of loss like a bedtime
prayer. When I sometimes long for weekends of playing with children in leaves,
shopping for a family dinner...I can even mythologize the water cooler
conversations at office jobs. The grass isn't really greener over there. It's
just a different plot of grass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">In the midst of this silence and solace, and an admitted
financial crisis that kicked my knees out from under me for about a week, came
the death of an old friend, </span><a href="http://www.michalthegirl.com/"><span style="color: #218f92; font-family: Arial; text-decoration: none;">Michal Friedman</span></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">. A sudden, shocking, completely tragic death.
Which, just as my legs were getting a bit stable and I was healing the voice,
kicked it all out again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I say old friend. My friend died in childbirth, leaving twins
(healthy) and a husband I never met, didn't know existed. You see, this was a woman
who was a friend of mine in a particular time of my life. Her sister was my
better friend, but when she moved to NYC, she was also a musician, we were the
same age, we played the same clubs, we temped, we'd go out and I seem to recall
drink wine and talk about boys and music and clothes and Buddhism and she was
sharp and smart and intimidating and tiny and stunningly beautiful like a
cartoon character and seemed stronger than I. My then-husband was smitten by
her and loved her music and we were all part of this loose gang. My best
friends at the time were my fellow Expanded Arts Theater Company actors and her
sister was a fellow actress. I was just beginning my journey into music and was
starting out in the clubs in NYC. So was Michal. We were broke and idealistic
and loud and competitive and she was single and I was married (but not rooted
and clearly unhappy) and we spent time together. Not a lot. She wasn't a 'good'
friend, nor a 'close' friend, but she was a friend and she was most certainly
an integral part of that time for me. I realized, upon hearing of her death,
that I hadn't talked to her or seen her play in over 6 years. I started touring
full time in 2005 and once that happened, I saw my theater friends once in a
while. My day-to-day friends became my band, the fellow troubadours on this
winding road. My theater friends kept at it, plugging away, some kept with it,
some left to do other things. And eventually, they got married too and most had
babies and I lost track of if they were even acting anymore. Michal kept at
music and though I didn't talk to her or keep up with her, I'd see her on
Facebook or I'd hear about her show from my now Ex husband, who loved her
music. Or I'd get curious as to what she was doing and I'd go searching. I knew
she was acting and doing voiceovers. I didn't know she was married. I didn't
know that she was pregnant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">This happens. Life moves forward. One path goes one way, the
other the other. Just different shades of green. At some point, I looked around
at with whom and by what I was surrounding myself, felt increasingly like I was
on a train bound for a brick wall, and, growing weary and feeling older, I lit
a match and burned it all down. Moved out. Got a divorce. Left a band. Left a
label. Left management. Meditated. Started yoga. Felt the right thing come into
my life on many levels and followed those winds. Moved south. Started over at
41. Lost track. Let go. Grieving the old. Wrote an album about all of it. Was
proud and happy of that birth-giving, and have watched its stuttering journey
through the world as it lingers, well received but not necessarily changing
anything. I have watched that halting movement with pride and grief.
Questioning...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And then, silenced by a swollen throat, still channeling the
warrior, this time gently singing myself back, I hear of this untimely death of
a girl who should not have died. A girl who was part of my world for a brief
but very very important part of my life. I feel like I should not even be
writing this, as it is her husband, her sister, her family, her real friends
that remained, that grew with her, that ate Sunday dinners together and
struggled to make ends meet 10 years later -- those are the real grievers.
Maybe my grieving isn't for a loss that's mine, but for their loss. For the
loss of this water sprite with a big howler of a voice who laughed easily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">But its also the loss of time and choices and I recognized with
a deep kick of a growing pain that life is short and as I'd say, "Oh, I'll
see them all next time I'm in town" there is sometimes not a next time.
I'm reminded of my father and his twin, my beloved uncle, their 70th birthday
dinner a few years back. I was offered a <i>very important show</i> during the
Sundance Film Festival and instead of joining my entire family at the birthday
dinner celebration, I took the show. Which ended up being far from important.
It yielded nothing but a dent in my credit card. I said, though, "Oh, I'll
make the 75th dinner. THAT will be something." My uncle passed away a year
later, suddenly, of a heart attack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">One of my deepest regrets in life is that I missed that dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And I do my best to not miss important dinners anymore. I
learned the hard way that No Gig is that important.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">So to the quiet. And the solace. It gives me the opportunity to
see the connections. To accept and acknowledge the connections from my uncle to
my friend to my financial woes to my voice to what I love and what I put time
and energy into and this long road I keep running up and down, rock heavy up
the mountain each time, falling back upon me, still lifting it wearier yet
fighting the negative to the light and hope. I'm not getting off the wheel.
That's not what this is. But perhaps the mute is like a flag waving: pay
attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">So I will. I will pay attention to whatever this is supposed to
mean if anything. And I will make some very long overdue phone calls to people
I love. And I will not regret that I stood on a high peak and spoke of a true
love, regardless of the outcome. And I will meditate on all of this and let it
sift through grieving and doubt and fear and lonely and pride and anger and
loss and love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And I will wish Michal a safe journey to wherever she is going
and hope that her husband and her twins and her entire family and current
community will grieve and mourn and then grow and find light and love again and
have a beautiful life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Excuse me, I'm going to go call some people, voice or no voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">When a friend calls to me from the road</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And slows his horse to a meaning walk,</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I don't stand still and look around</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">On all the hills I haven't hoed,</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And shout from where I am, What is it?</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">No, not as there is a time to talk.</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Blade-end up and five feet tall,</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">And plod: I go up to the stone wall</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">For a friendly visit.</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">A Time To Talk (Robert Frost)</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-66598118064618568072017-01-13T17:56:00.000-08:002017-01-13T17:56:14.255-08:00I Have Not Yet Forgot Myself To Stone (Oct. 2011)<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;">Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;">Joel: I know.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;">Clementine: What do we do?</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;">Joel: Enjoy it.*</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other day I hit the return button on my laptop while trying
to figure something out on Facebook, committing to something before I was ready
for the commitment, and whoooooop -- in a moment I was erased. Completely. My
personal profile: gone.</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 11pt;">[Side Note: before the helpful hint comments begin, let me
explain. I was trying to merge my so-called Friends, all 5,000 of them, from my
Personal Profile to my Music Page and then recreate a Personal Profile with
only real friends and family, so that when I post something it doesn't go to
strangers. I tried doing that at first: when I got a request from a name I
didn't recall, I'd send a nice brief message: "hey, if we had a
conversation, shared a beer, met in passing at a festival, please remind
me..." but honestly, it just took too much time. Time that I wanted to be
spending writing songs. Not that I really care that much about having strangers
(or fans) be Friends, but my niece is getting to that age where she may start
wandering onto my Facebook page and I want to protect her from certain
elements, like the creepy "Friend" that IM's me asking what I'm
wearing who might find her and do the same. I mean, I know I can defriend them,
and I do, but its become a bit of a pain and I felt the need to go into a bit
of hiding. I had downloaded all the info on my Profile Page before doing this,
so all was not lost. But it did feel like a petite mort...]</span></i></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At first: panic. I wanted to retract. To get myself back. I
spent hours (literally) wandering through the labyrinthian so-called Help section.
Which was no help. The Community Pages are a bleak terrain of shared ignorance.
Because nobody knows how to fix anything, everyone's confused and lost and the
folks who might actually get paid at Facebook to help out this global community
sit drinking their Lattes and don't answer us. And keep changing the terrain
(and redefining privacy without asking our opinion).</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Its like an acid dream where you are stuck in Oz's chamber,
nobody behind the curtain, screaming "IS ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING?"
and then all of a sudden you are swept into "Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind" and you can't un-erase your erasing.</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd thought about this step. I'd been talking to other friends
who went underground, creating clever pseudonyms and re-friending real friends.
Not any of these friends are famous in the global sense of fame, but they are
musicians out there touring, one was on a national TV show, and even in the
non-famous world of folk music, boundaries and privacy are a concern. Facebook
has been increasingly feeling this way to me and to some of my friends. We kept
joking about turning it off. Walking away. A few had. One even encouraged me to
take the leap off the cliff into pseudonymetry.</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd challenge myself to not open Facebook until my morning routine
was complete (meditation, journaling, yoga, a bit of writing, emails that were
important, etc.). I could waste hours there, following threads of friends of
friends conversations, peering into photo albums of old classmates, real
friends, ex friends, ex lovers, current lovers of ex's, until I felt like
Pandora and felt like I'd snuck into a stranger's underwear drawer and found
secrets I'd rather not have seen. I think every one of us has had some moment
of personal relationship drama upon seeing someone else's post, or changed
status, or photo. I spent a whole day in an airport reeling, fighting anxiety
and fear about a post on someone's wall, waiting to have the phone conversation
to clarify something and believe me, I felt like a childish asshole starting
out with "Ok. I know this is gonna sound strange, and I know its gonna
sound petty and childish, but I saw something on your Facebook page..." It
has already been written about by better writers than I that our false sense of
community has lulled us into complacent connection. We all stumble around
snippets of strangers and almost-friends, checking in on loved ones, peering
through the veil. It can feel sneaky and dirty and sexy and claustrophobic in
that maze.</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's good there, too. I'm not just complaining. I found new
friends, reconnected with old friends. I got invited to parties. I found out
about shows I'd not have known about. Found new music, read cool articles, felt
a collective tug of belonging as we all complain about the stupid posts going about.
Kindling and rekindling. I felt a real loss once I was booted out. I felt like
the world had gone on without me and I wasn't able to get to the party. It was
weird. I missed logging on and seeing the posts of people I kind of knew but
liked from afar; I felt close to people I barely knew. You get a sense of
someone's style from their posts. Their quips. Their sense of humor. Their
spirituality, sometimes. Their pathos. Their sarcasm. I loved checking in on
Susan Werner, who in real life is an acquaintance, in that I like her, she
likes me, we've maybe had two or three brief conversations before shows, but
because we shared about 500 friends and she saw my posts and I saw hers and
we'd comment back and forth, I felt like we'd skipped a few steps in the dance
of friendship and perhaps one day, in real person, we could hang out and drink
wine and laugh together like old friends and I'd say "oh remember when you
posted to my wall...." Of course, there's good and bad to the skipping of
the dance. The dance is part of the fun.</span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I re-emerge on Facebook as another name. And this time I can
define the parameters of who I want to be in my conversation. But after having
4,980 friends, having only 11 right now is feeling thin. I admit: I feel left
out. And that's an old feeling that goes back to being picked last for the
Kickball team in elementary school. And the truth is, I can still connect
through my Page, where I'll post this. But I have to say, I do feel freed of
something. And only by deleting myself, albeit accidentally, did I realize how
tied (perhaps, addicted) to my own sense of belonging I was. To let go...to
TRULY let go...has been a real lesson in what I was holding onto.</span></span><b><i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span></i></b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 16pt;">I’m collecting my strength, one day I
shall manage without her,</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 16pt;">And she'll perish with emptiness then,
and begin to miss me.</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 16pt;">(from 'In Plaster', Sylvia Plath)</span></i></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*
dialogue from the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"</span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-60662408460497809182017-01-13T17:54:00.000-08:002017-01-13T17:54:05.410-08:00The Karaoke King (Sept. 2011)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp8CquUn27hfcabtnYYSUQLl_EvhJRplU7HbLQxxohW5fHdjt_AsZexltSVg950NRPcMHTVHaTt-BtNGd0MjbfHQmdZhra82gqg7kZIp_Q6omCcWQ5TGbuv003dpfL0mUJ59ketcTr6B4/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp8CquUn27hfcabtnYYSUQLl_EvhJRplU7HbLQxxohW5fHdjt_AsZexltSVg950NRPcMHTVHaTt-BtNGd0MjbfHQmdZhra82gqg7kZIp_Q6omCcWQ5TGbuv003dpfL0mUJ59ketcTr6B4/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm in Flint, Michigan at the Super 8. They apologized when they
told me that this is the place they were putting me up. They said, as if it
were a shrug, "We got you reservations at The Super 8. Its not super
classy, but its nearby." As if it were an apology. Like, "She's got
an...um...GREAT personality..." But did they<i> know</i>? Did they know
what a vortex of <i>awesome</i> they threw us into?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We were hungry. We asked. "Is there any place that will
still serve us dinner at 10pm? We drove straight from Nashville. 9 hours. With
a time change. We didn't eat." (<i>well, that's not true: we stopped for a
moment, or ...it was supposed to be a moment...at a Subway in Nashville,
Indiana...yes, that's Nashville, Indiana...however, the moment was to be just
that --a <b>moment-</b>- but the woman behind the Subway counter--perhaps, 19?
18? 25? Let's just say, her future in sandwich-making is suspect. It took her
30 minutes to make a 6" turkey-no-cheese-light-mayo-sub)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">They said, 'well, at this hour, in FLINT, there's, um Applebee's
<i>(immediately, I remembered that everything there is fried and the veggie
sides are always broccoli--FROZEN and then STEAMED--ick...watery and really
really chewy...yick.)' </i>I shake my head, 'Anything else?' They say, 'Oh!
Next to the Super 8 is a Wally's, a family restaurant. Oh and connected to that
is a bar/grill.' Thomm, who wants a beer, says 'perfect!'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We drive the 3.4 miles to the Super 8. We see the place.
Wally's. Then, even better: The Firkin Fox. A kind of British Pub. Sort of. In
Michigan. In Flint. Oh yeah. I want a glass of wine. Thomm wants a beer. I'm
hungry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Bonus: Its Karaoke night. We settle into this place, booths, but
red velvet as if we're in Shropshire or London. But decorated by the
ex-designer for TGIFriday's after they took the flair down. Seriously. Karaoke.
Big screens. Loud. An MC Hostess. Some dude grabs the mic. The wireless mic.
And dances his hip-hop-singing-Usher-pretending self over to some pretty lady
at the bar and lays it on thick. THICK. With a really good voice. Seriously.
Like, not totally in tune, but I'm sure with monitors and a bit less whiskey,
the dude would sound great. Thomm and I watch, as if this is a 3-D movie and we
are just there, like watching The Boy In The Plastic Bubble or one of those
After School Specials where you sort-of relate, but sort-of are glad you don't
live there... He's good. This Karaoke guy who I'm sure comes here every
weekend. I sure hope if that's not his girlfriend he gets lucky tonight. He
deserves it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So to Karaoke and the subject of that. Thomm says, "What's
your position on karaoke." And I say, definitively, "I don't do
karaoke." End of the discussion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Now, I love singing. Its my greatest joy. Second only to lying
in bed with a lover and reading the New York Times Sunday edition, section by
section, with nothing to do the rest of the day but just that, and cuddle and
more, and make coffee and nap and watch football. But I digress....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I love singing. I don't love karaoke. I feel like an ass. The
keys are always wrong. So I'm singing out of my range. And I don't dance. I
play guitar for a reason. I like standing behind the guitar. I don't like
dancing. I don't want to dance. I'm no good at dancing (<i>well: that's
patently untrue. I love dancing and in my fantasy-land uber-self I'm an
excellent dancer. But I will never live up to my ideal of the greatest dancer
in the world. Debbie from my college class. Cute Deb, who I remember for a time
became one of those Doctors-Without-Borders-Saving-The-Planet and I
thought....really Deb? really? You had to do THAT? You couldn't just rest on
your "I'm the cutest girl who's non-threatenening and EVERYBODY likes me
AND I stand in the center of the dance floor and you will stare in awe at my
dance moves. Really, Deb? You had to go save the world and be perfect? Leave
the rest of us something, ok?)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I once tried Karaoke. I was in Port Jervis, NY. Kal and Dana and
Rob and I had gone to Port Jervis to tube down some river with beers in a
cooler in its own tube. We drank a bit and decided to not drive home to Hoboken
and instead, stay in Port Jervis, get a room or two, eat a good dinner and go
to .... a local Karaoke bar. Good idea, right? Well, for Rob, yes. Because Rob
is one of the smartest people I know. He's a scientist. He's a professor. He's
good looking. He's tall. He's funny. He's ascerbic. And in his fantasy-version
of his life, he's an actor. So he says, "YES! Karaoke! I'm doing
"Thunder Road". I realize we're gonna be there for a while.
(seriously? who does Thunder Road at Karaoke...?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">There's a guy there. Everyone watches him. He's in a 3 piece
suit. Sears. Shiney greyish blue. With a red tie. Tall and skinny. Slick, black
hair. He sings "Sweet Caroline" with 3 girls with enough Mousse
between them to float the Parthenon, who sing the backup parts and dance in
too-tight acid-washed jeans. Flourescent green shirts shirred at the bottom,
showing just a touch too much belly around the button, if you know what I mean.
The Karaoke King. He's there. He's always there. Rob's wife Dana pushed me out
there, had signed me up for some Sheryl Crow song. I admit: I'd had a few
tequila shots. I sang. I was out of tune. In my own head. But I was laughing
and it was fun. All I wanna do....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So...afterwards, I excused myself to go to the ladies room. The
3 KK's backup singers were there, spraying their feathered bangs. I say hello.
They start in on me. You've got a good voice...you can sing...you should do
this...etc. At first I simply say thank you, while drying my hands, but then I
feel like an imposter, so I confess. Say, "Oh this is what I do. I'm a
singer." And they stop, mid-spray. Like as if in a movie. Look at each other.
Smile fakely. "ooooooooooooooh" They say in a three part harmony arc
of discovery "ooooooohhh". I smile and leave. Go to my friends. The
Three Muses scurry out, scoot to the 3 Piece Suit. Whisper in his ear. His head
whips to me. They point. I'm laughing with my friends. And then it happens:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm called out by the Karaoke King.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I sense a presence. A shadow. Stetson wafts over me. I look up.
There he is in all his greasy glory. He taps me on the shoulder. I look up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"So...I hear you're a ringer."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"Excuse me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">The Three Muses nod and twirl bits of their Ogilve perms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"I've been told you're a professional."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"Singer?" I ask.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"Yes. Ringer. Singer. Yes. From New York." He
threatens. His pointed Capezio toe taps, in exasperation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">A beat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Another beat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">His eyebrow raises. I try to not laugh. Or burp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"Um...yeah...but .... really... I'm...well, I make NO
money...I'm EMERGING...." I try to explain....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">He is having none of this. And he looks at me with complete
indifference.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"I'd better not see you in Wilkes-Barre next week for the
$500 prize. You get that? You get it?" And then he leans in, finger
wagging at my face: "Wilkes-Barre"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">And so, ladies and gents, my story of having been threatened by
the Karaoke King in Port Jervis, NY. And why I will never, ever, ever sing
Karaoke. And that's why I sat and ate my Mushroom Swiss Burger and drank my
house cabernet at the Firkin Fox in Flint, Michigan, listening to the good
folks of the bar make their attempts at 20 year old songs like that bee girl
song by that band I forget their name but it was really sad because the lead
singer committed suicide and I never liked that song anyway but the video with
the bee girl was hard to not love... or one of my favorite 90's songs by
DeLaSoul or Arrested Development. And then I think, why doesn't someone bring
back Arrested Development, because that album, that first album with
"Tennessee" on it is, um, kind of relevant today. Isn't it? Or is
just me being nostalgic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">In my show, I talk about getting off the major highways in order
to find better food options than Cracker Barrel. But what I love is getting to
go to a place like this tonight and check out the scene. And it may seem like
I'm mocking. But I'm not. At all. I heard some amazing voices tonight.
Seriously. And I heard old songs I miss. And there was a scene there. I can
imagine those 4 guys who are good singers meet there every weekend to sing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">In high school I was in show choir. Oh yeah. I've got the photos
of me in the red and white sweater with my name embroidered into the bust. Very
Mickey-Mouse club. Or, now, Glee. Oh yeah. I was that girl in Glee. I wanted
ALL the solos. I was pretty damn amazing at the jazz hands, step-ball-change. I
sucked up to Mr. Gallup and Ms. Herrick to get the part of Maria in "West Side
Story". I wanted to beat out Stephanie Sikora for that. It was my life's
ambition. She was good. Stephanie was a great singer. I was kinda jealous of
her. Seriously. And tall. And thin. And beautiful. And I was short and didn't
feel pretty. I could sing. But I wanted to sing like Stephanie. So when I got
Maria and she got Anita. I have to admit to a very petty feeling of
superiority. Hell, its 25 years later, so I'll forgive myself, and I'm pretty
sure, although I haven't seen Stephanie in 25 years and I don't know what her
life is like (I hear she's a veternarian), she probably didn't care as much
about that as I did. But yeah. I've seen a few episodes of "Glee" and
saw myself in there. And I went to high school in a small, cloistered town. And
I haven't really been back. And my 25 year reunion is in a few weeks and I
doubt I'll go. Even though, I have to admit, I kind of want to...just to
see....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The Karaoke King. At least
he knows he's the King of something. Most of us are lying in wait to sit in confidence
at our own royalty.</span><!--EndFragment-->
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-73692488849354437222017-01-13T17:52:00.003-08:002017-01-13T17:52:35.482-08:00Ten Years (September 2011)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidHNITlwdYEvx1rNfftEhTma0qUUrWA2yXWpi_SleUO27_fGrytvrjZK-eD7hgEkE4nKeTyECRWR9pKj1eG2r_Pw03V5naacuzBREf67tnQjXT659XgCY_F98u_hQaMjc-J64Ptgmj2Rw/s1600/DownloadedFile.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidHNITlwdYEvx1rNfftEhTma0qUUrWA2yXWpi_SleUO27_fGrytvrjZK-eD7hgEkE4nKeTyECRWR9pKj1eG2r_Pw03V5naacuzBREf67tnQjXT659XgCY_F98u_hQaMjc-J64Ptgmj2Rw/s1600/DownloadedFile.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Somwhere, in a box of rolls of undeveloped analog photos there
is a roll I never developed. It might be in one of those forgotten boxes full
of knickknacks and bits of nostalgia, hastily packed in the upheaval of
separation and moving. I'd love to find that roll of film. There would be my
friend Amy, her blonde hair and blue eyes against the blue blue sky. Out of
focus, blurry, twin streams of smoke over a wide river, black fog cutting into
blue sky behind her head. Hazy, like my memory of that day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I was living in Hoboken, New Jersey. At 1116 Hudson Street, one
block off the river, across from the 20's in Manhattan. I was playing music,
not yet for a living, but certainly working towards it. For a living, I worked
as a temp secretary in NYC law firms. Downtown and uptown. Monday night
football ran into double overtime and that night, I remember having a ... well,
now I might in retrospect call it a premonition...then, it was more like a
mental hitch. A little voice that suggested I call in 'sick' to my temp job,
play hooky, take the day off. So I did. I remember the quiet argument that
ensued the next morning when Kal woke early to shower and get ready and I
lingered in bed, making excuses. He worked about a mile away, in Weehawken, in
a glass office on the river with a clear view of Manhattan. He walked to work.
He left around 7:30 am and I remember his annoyance. It was a usual silence
between us. We were navigating the uncomfortable non-fitting of each other
after a few years, neither of us ready to say aloud what was creeping around
like an undercurrent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I got up, made coffee. Our two dogs, Clyde and Siggy, needed to
be walked and our dog run was in Elysian Park, on a hill overlooking the river.
I took my time with this part of my morning. I loved our kitchen. Black and
white tiled backsplashes, an old 60's era refrigerator, wood floors, a 4th
floor fire escape overlooking the courtyard. I drank my coffee slowly, enjoying
the idea of a full day off. Then I took the dogs down the 4 flight of stairs,
down the block, across the street to the park to the dog run and let them go. A
familiar woman walked toward the run from the edge of the park, closest to the
river, and with a concerned look said to me, "Where is Kal?" I said,
"At work." She said, "Where? He's in finance, right?" I
said, "Yes" she said, "where?" I said, "Weehawken.
Why?" Her face was ashen. She said, "A plane hit the Trade Center.
Call him." She might have said planes and centers, plural. I can't remember.
I got my dogs and ran to the edge of the park and saw the smoke and then ran
back to the apartment, ran up the stairs and turned the TV on. My downstairs
neighbor, Amy Fairchild, another singer-songwriter, heard me bounding up and
came running up as I turned the TV on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">To be honest, I don't remember that much. I remember we watched
TV together for a while. I'm not sure what we saw on TV and what we saw in
person. What was happening was happening a stone's throw away from my open
windows. The TV seemed surreal. I remember the newscasters talking about a
small plane, then terrorists, and then Amy and I grabbed our cameras and headed
to the river, just across the street and down the curve of the road a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We joined a small crowd that had gathered. About 20 people.
Someone had a transistor radio, Bloomburg radio I think. I barely remember. I
could swear as we sat there we watched a tower, maybe both fall. I remember
that moment, the silent scream inside my throat, caught in the lump, looking up
at the sky, wondering when the sky would fall. I remember someone saying
something like "there goes thousands of people". I remember the urge
to laugh. To really laugh outloud in that shock-wave kind of giggle that
happens to me when something out of the bounds of understanding punches me in
the gut. The completely inappropriate laughter that masks a keening wail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">It was only the week before that I had ridden the elevator up to
the top of the Trade Centers, to put my face against the glass at Windows on
the World, to look down, the air around me closed in and I experienced a wave
of vertigo. In the years I'd lived in NYC, I'd only gone to the top once and it
was the week before they disappeared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I don't know how long we sat there, but both Amy and I took
photos and neither of us have those photos. Neither of us ever printed them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I remember walking down Washington Boulevard to meet my friend
Karen who worked in the towers but was, thankfully, late to work and didn't
make it in that day. I sat with her in her apartment with another friend for
hours. Then we walked up the boulevard, men and women in business suits caked
ash grey and wet from being hosed off as they disembarked the ferries that
dropped them in Hoboken. The bars in Hoboken were full and silent of these
chalky faces. It was a beautiful, warm September day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We walked to the hospital to give our names to give blood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We made a list of everyone we knew who worked downtown. We tried
to call people but our cell phones wouldn't work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I sat for hours alone later that afternoon, staring at the black
streaks in the sky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I thought about the stores underneath, the greek man who sold me
coffee in those blue paper cups and a pre-buttered raisin bagel wrapped in
cellophane for $1.50. The man at the flower/newspaper kiosk where I'd buy
tulips after working at one of the law firms in the towers. I thought of those
people I'd seen on days I'd temp, crammed into the elevators, crammed into the
lobbies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Later that night, we went to my brother's apartment in Hoboken
as our gang gathered, waiting to hear from all of our friends who worked in the
Towers, a bottle of Jack Daniels was passed. We were all sober-drunk. Nobody
was crying. We were all in shock. We waited for Harry. I remember waiting for
Harry, who was the last to show up, at midnight, piss-blind-drunk, in complete
shock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Kal and I walked home to our apartment after that. Silent. There
was already a crack in our earth, but that day opened the ground below us into
a canyon we wouldn't quite understand nor recognize for years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I remember that I had a cough that lingered for month. A
bronchial infection. There was an acrid smell to the air for a long time, a
burning. We went to the city as soon as the subways opened up again. We went to
the Union Square makeshift memorial where photos were taped to a wall, where
candles and flowers lay. Where "Have you seen ...." notes were taped
anywhere and everywhere. We awaited news of rescues that never came. I remember
how New York City wrapped itself tighter around itself like a hand-knit scarf
on a chilly Autumn day, including all. I remember noticing that people looked
each other in the eye from that day forward. There was kindness everywhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">What I wrote that week, the only thing I wrote was this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I just watched Dan Rather break down on tv tonight. Of all the things
that I've witnessed and heard about this terrible and unbelievable week, that
was the most jarring to me. Its like seeing your father cry. It makes the world
less safe.</span></i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I didn't go down to that area of the City for a full year. Then
one night, I was driving home from a gig and got lost on my way to the Holland
Tunnel and found myself driving down near the huge holes in the ground and
looked up to two towers of light, illuminated from the ground up, dissipating
into mist in the starless sky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Ten years....</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193288431841973543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-777397611916896634.post-32244355406596593552017-01-13T17:51:00.002-08:002017-01-13T17:51:22.089-08:00The Kindness Of Strangers (June 2011)<br />
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There are days…I’m sure we all have them in each of our
chosen fields of work…or our relationships, with our family, our friends, our
community…or our bank accounts…you know those days when you find yourself
whining, even softly to yourself so that nobody can hear, even with an outward
smile of “Everything’s fine here. Nothing to see. Move along.” But internally
you are throwing yourself a ticker tape parade of a pity party. The ‘why me’ the
‘how did I get here’ the ‘when does the monkey get off my back?’ days. Everyone
has them. I just read something in a beautiful book by Pema Chodron called
“When Things Fall Apart” that we NEED those days. We should lean into those
days. Those moments. Of course we should. Duh. That’s where growth happens. But
still, in the midst of those days, don’t we all just want to jump off the
treadmill we’re on and say “UNCLE” to the skies? I did yesterday. I’ve been off
the road for a few weeks, home, counting my spare pennies, worrying about the
paucity of my (cough cough) savings account and the future of that in this
lovely world of Folk music where, as the joke goes, ‘there are hundreds of
dollars to be made’. I got in my car yesterday, admittedly an hour later than
I’d have liked, to drive a few hours to Eastern, Tennessee for an outdoor show.
Late. I figured I had about an hour to spare, I’d be fine. That is, until I hit
I 40E and the parking lot it had become due to an accident or Bonnaroo..who
knew. All I knew is that I’d NEVER make the gig. Karma, I thought, karma for
being late. Karma for being distracted while packing. Everything was going
wrong and I couldn’t even possibly get my ass out the damned door on time.
Karma. And the dark clouds started to pile up above my head. I got off the
highway, found a winding road that seemed to be leading absolutely nowhere, and
my GPS lost the trail and I was just about to scream Uncle when signs to I 40E
appeared. I’m not a big pray-er. But in that moment, I put my hands on the top
of the steering wheel, palms up, looked up at the blue sky and whispered, “Ok.
Help. Please.” And as I veered off the ramp onto 40, the road was clear.
Somehow, I’d diverted around the parking lot of stuck cars, and I was free of
it all and doing 75 towards Jonesborough, TN and I was going to make it in time
to this show.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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That was the first sign.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Then a phone call. And angels come in unlikely places. Terri
Hendrix was calling me. Do you know Terri Hendrix? She’s one of the most
open-hearted songwriters I’ve ever met. She and Lloyd Maines are a great duo
and we had the pleasure of working together at the Iron Horse in Northampton,
MA a few years back. I’ve maybe spoken a few sentences to Terri. I can’t claim
to know her well, but I sure do like her and Lloyd and they are always very
friendly to me. I can remember the first time I met them, at the hand washing
trough at Kerrville. We were both playing the mainstage that night and I had
never seen her perform, but I knew her name (she’s a big deal in Texas). I was
wearing my embroidered hippie jeans with a tank top. Didn’t realize that was
Terri’s signature outfit (how embarrassing for me). She and Lloyd came up to me
and introduced themselves to me and told me they had my CD (it was “Songs For
Bright Street”) and that they really liked my music. I was floored. I was
floored that anyone I’d heard of had heard of me at that point. I knew they
were well known here in Kerrville and this would be my first time playing that
stage. They made me feel at home and welcomed. So yesterday, out of the blue,
it was Terri on the phone. And remember, I’d looked up to the sky and pleaded
for a bit of mercy. Just a break in the clouds in my head. I won’t tell you our
whole conversation, and I really hope I don’t embarrass Terri by telling you
this, but she simply called to connect, to tell me that her lines were open
should I ever need anything, it was the simplest gesture of an open hand of
friendship and I could have cried right there. I told her I was having a bit of
a hard time with ‘all of it’ and she kindly and with humor told me if I ever
thought of quitting she’d come and find me. Then she reminded me why I do this
in the first place. And its not like there is any way in the world Terri
Hendrix would have known I was having my doubts. She’d just called for her own
reasons. But there it was. A brief reaching out that meant the world and turned
my day completely around. Might have turned more than one day around for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As if that isn’t enough, I pull into Jonesborough, TN where
my show was last night. A series called “Music on the Square“. I got there 15
minutes before the show was to start. There was Steve Cook, the promoter, with
a huge smile on his face, helping get me to the little stage. Everything was
already set up. Sarah Jane on sound was right there to help. It took about 3
minutes to do a ‘sound check’. There was a big crowd of people too, from senior
citizens to 20 something hipsters, healthy babies and people in wheelchairs and
a wonderful young woman named Summer who told me stories of when she met Amy
Grant and Vince Gill and she kept hugging me. Something Terri said connected
and I looked out and I was able to find that thing in me that wanted to do this
so long ago. I don’t know if it was my best show, but it sure felt good to me.
And afterward, I met Summer’s mother, and the man who showed me the photo he
took of his father in full military dress visiting a visiting display of the
Declaration of Independence, and my host for the evening’s brother who had just
moved here from Texas after losing his wife a year ago, and people who had
lived near the town I grew up in, and people who asked about my father after
hearing “Peace by Peace”.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Later that night, back at the Franklin B&B where I was
put up, I sat and drank a glass of wine with Dona and Chuck and the two women
who were visiting from Murfreesboro and Nashville, and I heard stories of New
Orleans and Hurricane Katrina, and the history of Jonesborough. And I slept
better than I have in about a week.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This morning, I took a run along Main Street and saw the
Farmer’s Market and gorgeous little cottage houses with gardens that ran along
a creek and couples young and old strolling the brick sidewalks. I had
breakfast with Dona and Chuck and the two TN women and a pair of sisters, one
of whom told me stories of taking her children on around the world trips,
staying in host housing all along the way, staying with families two nights at
a time, sometimes being on the road for a full year, sheep shearing in New
Zealand, staying with older people in Bulgaria, getting homesick in Spain. Over
strong coffee and the fluffiest Quiche I’ve ever had (“Heavy cream,” said Dona,
somewhat apologetically), Chuck told about being a little boy visiting New York
City, staying in a hotel on Times Square and being astounded by the lights.
“But back then,” he said, “the lights flashed and strobed but they were just
black and white. No kaleidescope colors like today” and I had to excuse myself
soon thereafter to run and fetch a pen and my journal so that I could start
writing the verses that were spilling from my head about “Times Square in Black
and White.” And Chuck’s story elided with some of my own father’s — his
childhood memories that he is writing for a course on “Sharing Your Story with
Your Grandchildren” at the local community college that I keep begging him to
send me. I’m reading them slowly and the stories are living now in my head: I
can see him bareback on the horse in the backyard of the farm with his brother
as the blue sky overhead turns black the day the planes flew over low, heading
out for D Day. Kaleidescope skies, once in black and white. Photographs.
Memories. Stories.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And as I took a post-breakfast walk, I happened upon the
National Storyteller’s Museum, smack dab in the middle of this little town. Of
course I did. And I remembered that storyteller we had in elementary school
back in Minnesota when they took the 6th graders for a week to Camp Isabella up
near Lake Superior in the heart of winter, to learn to read a compass and
wander the snowy woods in snowshoes, and make igloos and rappel off rock
climbing walls and at night, we’d gather with hot chocolate by a big fire and
this bear of a man in a red and black buffalo plaid with a huge beard would
tell stories of Grizzly Bears and Indians and Fur Trappers and Scandinavians
and loons and elk and I was enraptured and I think that’s when I caught the bug
that I wanted so badly to be THAT whatever THAT was…an actor a storyteller a
musician a writer a whatever…<o:p></o:p></div>
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And so, again, I reconnect with where it all began. The
reason.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And I think about the tour bus that carries musicians who
make much more than I do and that tour bus winds down interstates at night,
depositing their crew onto the stages of small and large towns just in time for
the soundcheck. Those musicians sleep on that bus or in nice hotels. And those
musicians make a lot of money. They might not sit on their front porch like I
do, counting the pennies, wondering how to pay their bills. Maybe they do. But its
at a different level. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t love to have one month
where I’m not working it all out on a daily basis with a calculator. I’d love a
bit of a cushion for sure. But in the meantime, I get to stay with people who
tell me stories, who share photos of the house they renovated. Who sing me
Irish songs because they want me to learn their favorite one. People give me
ideas for songs, they offer me lyrics and history. I don’t play Carnegie Hall,
but I play Music on the Square. And for now, I like it that way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Its a funny thing what the universe will offer you when you
surrender and whisper a plea.<o:p></o:p></div>
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